I know. [ He looks at Charles, stops what he's doing to give him his full attention. ] I'm not blaming you for what happened. I'm only pointing out that this place, and the things we might cross paths with, living or otherwise, might be impervious to our abilities. It's only smart that we should be more careful.
[ In here, and especially out there, on the road and in the diffusion zones. Erik has already felt some instability in his own powers, not quite gone but just not working as they should. He couldn't sense how that assimilation worked, not the way that Charles would have been able to, but he trusts Charles's abilities. He knows that if that mannequin managed to gain access to his mind, it was not because of a flaw on Charles's part. ]
I wish you'd told me. [ He pauses what he's doing, so he can turn and turn his focus entirely on Charles. ] I understand why you didn't, but safety is paramount in our current situation. At the very least you wouldn't have been on your own out there.
[ What if he'd run into one of those mannequins, or something even worse? Charles's abilities can only help him so much— and out there, they might not even help at all. And he's not even going to point out how Charles has been the one pushing Erik to open up and let others in. The irony.
He follows the drag of Charles's fingers down his face, his own expression mostly neutral. ]
That's one thing you and I have always had in common, my friend. We hate feeling helpless.
[ Charles has always trusted in his abilities to help him, until he chose his legs over his power. And then he wasn't much of anything for many years. It's a burden, but it is his only chance to feel powerful again at the same time. But outside of his mind, he truly is not all that impressive. He's a man in a wheelchair with no fighting skills and frankly, not that many life skills either. It's become blatantly obvious to him lately, and he hates it. Erik at least is incredibly good at surviving, but even he could do nothing in the face of that mannequin. They were in trouble here. It wasn't enough they had no choice in being here.
Charles frowns at him and glances away, feeling Erik's eyes on him, because yes, logically he knows he was wrong, but he also is terribly stubborn. Feeling helpless isn't as terrible as actually being helpless. He knows it's anti what he tells Erik himself. Rules for thee and not for me.]
I won't again. I'll take someone next time.
[ He says reluctantly but truthfully. Charles doesn't make statements he doesn't mean. He also went to the mall by himself because again, stubborn. At least there he didn't run into anything other than a few harmless people, and he managed to shoo any bandits off. Charles pushes off his wheelchair to the couch instead, preferring to change locations whenever he can to avoid the discomfort. And if he plans on staying here for dinner, he may as well get comfortable.]
My volunteering at the hospital gained me some favor with the people running it. They asked me to help with administrative and financial work. It doesn't pay well, but it's enough for me to get my own room.
[ Which he is thankful for. And he has no doubt Logan is too, although he would never say as much, he respects Charles too much. But it was terribly cramped and Logan was sleeping on the floor all this time. There was no privacy between them. This will give them both more freedom, something Charles in particular needs.
It's not his ideal situation but it does actually satisfy him! He likes the hospital and he feels like he's doing good even if it's paperwork.]
Now you won't have to worry about Logan if you visit me. Not that he's a problem, per se.
I doubt that anyone likes feeling helpless, really.
[ Erik has a particular loathing for the sentiment, for obvious reasons. He has never relied on anyone else, he doesn't like to either, and it's part of his current struggle here. It's the sole reason why Charles found him in that state, after the mannequin. If he'd been more reasonable about the whole ordeal, then he would have reached out to Charles long before he got to that point.
They're both a little like a pot calling the kettle black, right now. Because Erik can also admit to the hypocrisy of telling Charles now that he should have reached out to him, or anyone else really, when Erik himself wouldn't do that. And what good did it do either of them, honestly. He doesn't want to entertain the thought of what might have happened if Rowena hadn't come upon him when she did.
Still, he takes Charles's words as reassurance, and doesn't further push on the subject. He doesn't think Charles is just saying it to shut him up, and all he wants right now is to know that Charles won't put himself in a situation of risk needlessly. They all need to drive beyond the city at one point or another, at the least they can take care not to go out there alone. ]
It would be more of a problem if it were Scott.
[ Said with just a touch of wary amusement. He hasn't crossed paths with the other mutant since their confrontation, which is probably for the best. There's no love lost between him and Logan but at least they can be civil and know how to stay out of each other's way. Still, he won't lie; knowing that there's no risk of crossing paths whenever he visits Charles is a comfort. ]
We do always have my room. [ They all look just about the same either way. Erik doesn't much care, frankly. ] But that's good. I doubt there's any job here that pays well, so one that pays at all is already an improvement.
[ It also means Charles isn't stuck in his room for the better part of his day. ]
[ They can be hypocrites together. There isn't much they have in common, but what they do is strong within them. But Charles has always been drawn to Erik for his differences. He was unlike anyone he ever knew, and Charles knows so many, given his powers as a young boy. It was like stepping too close to the sun, intense and powerful, but with the ability to warm as well as burn. He sees it now too, in just the small moments they have together. Erik will always blaze for him. It's the burn he's afraid of now, and the Icarus within him.
He laughs at the reference to Scott. It's true, his prize pupil would be more of a problem, although Scott does understand now that Charles and Erik have something between them. What it is, no one knows for certain, but it's there. He has a plan to force it a little more in the future, but it's still only early fruition in his head. Charles will figure out the safest path to get his way.]
As much as my admire my future adopted son, I don't know him that well. Logan at least has already seen me at my most pathetic. Which I hate, obviously, but it requires less work on my part to pretend.
[ Charles is getting better but he isn't perfect, and a part of him wants to be for Scott and for Rogue. It's something he's working on, finding an appropriate balance. He was not in a good place when he first arrived and Logan knowing him made it so much easier. He values the man a great deal and can see the love between them and why it happened. But it doesn't mean either of them want to share 500 feet between them eternally.]
I just needed something to do. I was going slowly insane. Much like being in that mansion for years doing nothing but hate everything.
[ Charles hasn't explained much about their years apart, outside of saying that he lost his powers intentionally. The dark spot he went through was a private embarrassment, but perhaps he's willing to talk about it, if there's interest.]
[ Their differences have never been a deterrent to Erik, either. If anything it's the thing that drew him even more to Charles, not only his mind and brilliance but the way he so often he looks at the same situation from a different perspective. Erik is stubborn, independent to a point of isolation, and far too prone to violent outbursts, but he was never as inclined to take in another's point of view until he met Charles. Because he understands perfectly where he's coming from, the principles he stands for, even if he might not always agree.
He's seen too much to believe there might be a better way. It's hard to change that now, but he's genuinely trying, and he's doing it for no reason other than Charles, to be perfectly honest. And maybe to prove to himself that he doesn't have to make himself a monster to stand up for their cause. ]
You shouldn't have to pretend either way. I doubt Scott's opinion of you would be diminished.
[ For what little he knew of the man, when they were at the beginning of a friendship Erik hoped would grow solid and steady, he seemed like an honest, loyal man. Knowing now that he's that close to Charles only cements that perspective in Erik's mind. There's nothing Charles could do to change the man's feelings or opinions about him, at least he doesn't think so. But Charles is proud to a fault, he's not surprised to hear that he's trying to make himself look more put together than he really is.
His gaze lowers briefly when Charles mentions those years apart, while Erik was (for the vast majority) locked away. They haven't really spoken about that period of time. Erik isn't entirely sure that he wants to, at least not about what he himself went through, but he's willing to listen to Charles's side of things. Not just that, but he feels like that's the least he owes Charles, when he was the one who pushed him into that situation to begin with. ]
I thought you were just hating me for what I did to you.
[ Not just the injury, but the fact that he took Raven away. Not that it wasn't her choice too, but she was impressionable and they both know how charming Erik can be, when he wants to. It was easier to say that they both had their paths to walk, when in truth Erik practically forced Charles down that path when he took what was most important to him. ]
I told him a little of where I was before I came here, and that I wasn't the person he eventually knew right then. He was supportive, of course.
[ Not a surprise for either of them, having met and spent some time with Scott now. That is why Charles is confident that in time Scott will be open to Erik and accepting he's not the same villain he knew. It was difficult in the moment, yes, but space and some time changing his mind was possible. He has faith in his would-be son. Forgiveness is a major part of Charles and his point of view, he suspects he instilled that in others, the ones who would listen.
Charles has come a long way from that first week already. Time here has unraveled enough, and the presence of his students helped, that he can see his dark time passing by him. Having a job and a purpose of a kind again will help him too. It was difficult those first few days with the noise of this place, he was truly in a struggle, and only a little past the times that he was ashamed of. That Erik himself pointed out to him, when he was already low.
Charles considers what Erik says before responding. It's not as simple as that, but it's also not incorrect. He felt hate for the first time in his life, that's true.]
I was heartbroken, Erik. Hate was just an easier feeling in the start than sorrow.
[ Charles could be angry instead which never came to him easily but it consumed him, churned away inside of him. ]
I had this foolish notion that you both would come back. To check on me, if nothing else. As time went on, I hated myself too, for hoping for that.
[ Hope for a time became something he learned to despise, the longer it turned into stupidity. Charles was injured, he was paralyzed, he was left bleeding in the sand by his dearest loved ones. He thought that their love for him would lead them back to him in the smallest of ways, but it never did. He's still hurt about that. ]
I knew why you didn't, but I still wanted it.
[ No one knows Erik better than Charles. Or Raven, for that matter. Their silence toward him should have been expected, but it wasn't logic leading him much during that time, but emotion.]
[ Erik isn't surprised to hear that, no. From what little he saw of Scott, this falls in line with the kind of man he seems to be, and adding to that the fact that he's so close to his version of Charles only makes more sense. But he still understands Charles not wanting to show how much he's struggling, or needing to rely on others too much. It's just important that he knows that he can, rather than letting his pride speak louder. (Funny coming from him of all people, he knows.)
He worries that Raven's disappearance might push him back on the progress he's made so far, but on the other hand, he's not alone. He seems willing to reach out, at least in part. He's not isolating himself entirely, which is a good thing. Erik's sure both Logan and Scott will keep an eye on him, but he's also going to be sure to check in on him a little more regularly over the next few weeks, just in case.
The food only gets half his attention right now, setting the pot to boil some pasta almost on automatic, instead focused more on Charles. None of what he says surprises Erik, all similar sentiments to ones they shared during their initial meeting here, but there's a vulnerability to it, an admission on Charles's end that makes it hurt just that little more. ]
I thought about it. [ For the while he was free anyway, before getting locked up. Not much of a choice on his end then. He doesn't think he'd have reached out or gone to find Charles had he broken out either, if it hadn't been Charles himself orchestrating the whole thing. ]
I didn't think you'd want to see me, after what I did. [ There's a bitter smile there, and he pauses what he's doing to look to Charles. If they're doing admissions about those ten years, then... ] You know, when I was in that cell, I kept wondering if you'd try to reach out to me. I didn't know whether the jail itself was built in a way to keep your mind out, but...
[ He doubts it. The way they avoided metal of any kind anywhere near him said as much. Peter managed to break him out fairly easily too, so clearly there was nothing there to dampen their abilities. ]
I didn't know about Hank's serum. [ Obviously. ] I just thought that I'd burnt that bridge completely.
[ Before coming here, he didn't even think he'd see Charles again. So yes, there were a great many reasons why he didn't reach out, and why he wasn't planning to before arriving in this place. ]
I'm annoying and hitting you back right away don't @ me
[ They have covered this ground in some ways, but their first conversation was full of anger and bitterness, and now it feels like some of that has bled away. It's down to hurt now, which is its own kind of torture. He doesn't want to punch Erik anymore, quite the opposite, but this gap of time between them lingers in the back of their story. Charles had Hank and Erik had Raven, but they were missing each other. I want you by my side, Erik told him on the beach that day. Neither of them willing to bend, both wanting the same thing, but in different ways.]
I wanted to, Erik, I missed you more than I can say. You swept into my life, set it on fire, and then left like the tide. But I was angry too, I didn't feel like I should be the one to breach the gap.
[ Stubbornness, one of their common traits. It's not as if their reunion would be perfectly happy either. Charles would not have punched Erik like he did later, he was in a bad place then and wanted to hurt someone, but he would have also been upset. But glad, so glad, especially if Raven came with him. Being without her was the hardest thing about his life, and now he has to do it again. He looks at Erik and wonders how crushed he would be if he lost this too, just as he gets it back. But will that stop him?
He's quiet for a moment as he considers how much to say, but in the end, he is an honest person.]
I did think about it, early on, but what was I supposed to say to my team at that point? I want you all to risk your lives and our dangerous exposure for one man? If it was just me, if I was whole, I might have.
[ Erik was jailed when Charles still had people in the school, when he could have possibly had mutants who could do the job. But their safety had to matter more to him. Alex, Hank, and Sean might have been willing. They still had ties to Erik and knew what he meant to Charles. But then it all went terribly wrong and he had nothing, not even the means to rescue any other person.
His wheelchair would hold him back in the rescue, that's what he meant by whole. His mind can do a great deal but the details of getting him out would require more mobility to finish. In the end, he just couldn't figure out the logistics, and then he was just angry in general. Erik he released into the wild and he killed the President.]
I felt like your actions were on me, you killed the President and I didn't try to stop you. My judgment will always be clouded with you.
[ It might be in part stubbornness, but Charles is right in feeling that way. Erik was the one who made his own choices, and he was left to deal with the consequences of his actions. The worst of it all was that he wasn't the only one to suffer those consequences. In his blind rage and the deep fear of seeing history repeat itself, he was the one to cause harm to Charles, even if he didn't intend it. He turned his anger on Moira, but the truth is he has no one to blame for that but himself.
He didn't really think there was a path together for them, after that. Not even that their paths might cross, unless they were standing on opposing sides. The silence from Charles, while justifiable, only made him surer that there was nothing there to reach out to. Keeping his distance seemed like the right thing to do. For once.
Things could have been different, if he had gone back. If he'd only encouraged Raven to reach out to her brother, too. There's no point in thinking about it. Erik doesn't like to live on what ifs. This, right now, is complicated, fractured and painful, but it's real, and there's a glimmer of hope that he's going to cling to, for however long Charles shines it on him. ]
I told you I didn't kill him. I wasn't lying then.
[ Maybe Charles could not tell then, as he didn't have access to his abilities, but he will now. That wasn't just him trying to manipulate the situation to his own advantage. He was a convenient scapegoat, though. Easier still that he was a mutant, and labeled a terrorist too. So much for due process. ]
I'm sorry. I know it was... unreasonable to expect that you'd reach out to me, after everything.
[ He meets Charles's gaze, too exposed for comfort, but pressing on nevertheless. Not because he feels like he owes Charles equal vulnerability, but because he wants to meet him halfway. ]
You gave me so much— I didn't know what to do with it all.
I know you weren't lying, I'm saying from my point of view, that's what I knew. How would I explain to anyone that I rescued the man who assassinated the president because I couldn't stand for him to be trapped again? And you'd probably have just left again if I did get you out.
[ And then the cycle would continue with their conflict and their struggles. He would save Erik and then he would be responsible for everything that he did. He feels responsible for what Erik did after they did rescue him, including shooting Raven. He should have been more cautious, he should have known better, but he wanted him back so damn much that he was foolish. It's clearly not a lesson he's learned, sitting here letting Erik cook for him, watching him intently. His eyes slide over his familiar form and his feelings are complicated and yet incredibly straight forward. It's never going to be easy.
He went to get Erik when Logan promised him they were working together, that is what changed his perspective. He wanted to hope. Now he still is, otherwise he wouldn't be here. He flicks his sharp gaze away from Erik, running fingers through his hair, looking around the room instead.]
I know. It was naive of me, to think I offered enough. You spent your entire tortured life with one mission, and there I was, knowing you for a shorter time, believing that you'd pick me at the end of it. It wasn't fair to expect that either.
[ But god Charles was at his most confident then too. With them all coming together, with the mansion turned into a school, with Erik and Raven by his side. Charles was glowing with love and happiness and possibility. He had a dream so clearly in his mind and he thought that they all could see it. The idea of losing the two people most beloved to him was not even a possibility in his mind.]
From what I can tell from Scott and our future there, I felt so much pain over you and Raven that you were practically a secret, I couldn't speak of it to anyone. It's so damned tragic.
[ Erik can't argue with that, nor is he trying to. He wasn't really talking about Charles getting him out of that prison, he didn't even briefly consider that possibility, hence his surprise when he came face to face with Charles himself after Peter got him out of that cell.
Charles is right, too. He probably would have just disappeared after that. As much as he longed to see Charles again, he knew he'd done too much damage, and things would never truly be the same after everything.
Yet now here they are, talking and spending time together, sharing dinner. Their dates meetings so regular at this point that Erik's gotten used to them, like it's part of his routine. So maybe things can't be the same, but that... doesn't have to be a bad thing, necessarily. ]
It's not that simple. It wasn't about you being enough, Charles. You were always enough, you were...
[ More, so much more, and maybe it terrified Erik just a little too much. But hunting down Shaw took up two decades of his life, and when he had the opportunity to take him down, he just saw nothing else in front of him.
He turns his face away for a moment, gaze out the window. He feels a knot pressing against his throat, the hurt in Charles's own words making his heart ache, and regret linger. Not something he tends to feel very often.
He looks back to Charles then, eyes locked with his. Not that Charles would need to look into them to see that Erik isn't lying. ]
[ Charles pauses. This is a topic he has thought about frequently and never planned on asking or referring to at all. And now that he's started it, a part of him wants to go back on it entirely, change the subject, not step down a road that they purposely avoided. But it has consumed him at times, the what ifs, and how they could have changed the terrible course of their lives.]
If we'd been closer, would it have made a difference?
[ What he's asking and still dancing around directly saying is if they were together. Charles has never addressed or referenced the feelings that he knew on some level were underneath their friendship. It's not as if he hid any bit of that away from Erik when he restored his memory, when all of his feelings and any variation of them were on display. He didn't have the ability to disconnect one from the other when he was just there to help him. It's not as if he's been subtle.
But that's what a part of him had wondered. If he and Erik were a couple, if he gave all of himself to Erik, would it have changed everything? Would Charles's love have been enough then, if he let it all be known? Rather than hide behind friendship and brotherhood, because he thought it was safer and wiser for both of them to focus on the mission. They'd have time, he thought, to explore the rest, and a part of him had been so looking forward to that option. But this part has haunted him. Could he have changed their fate, if he was a little less arrogant, or a little less scared of it all?
He is purposely not looking at Erik when he says that because it's complicated and they know that. It's intentionally been avoided. Charles isn't entirely sure how comfortable he is but he's done it, he brought it up, he said it. Apparently the answer matters enough for him to bring up an old wound.]
[ Erik is stunned for a moment at the question. It's not that Charles's feelings are much of a secret at this point, and he doesn't think his own are either when Charles has spent as much time as he has in his head lately, so it's not that what really surprises him. It's just the fact that Charles is bringing it up, so openly and directly, no chance for misinterpretation or acting as though they're talking about them being anything other than what they are.
What they are is— complicated, maybe even more so now, since their reunion. Because love was easy, and anger was easy, but the complexity of mending something Erik himself broke takes that much more work. Patching together the tattered remains of Charles's trust in him. ]
I don't know.
[ It's his first, honest answer. He doesn't stop there. He turns off the stove, because the food can wait a little longer, and he makes his way to the couch, taking a seat next to Charles. If they're having this conversation, then he damn well will have Charles look him in the eye, not avoid even glancing his way after asking something like that. ]
If... we weren't closer then, it's also because I didn't take that step. I knew how you were changing my perspective on— everything, how in only a few weeks you made me reconsider everything I worked towards for two decades. I didn't know if taking things a step further would change my mind on my objective, so... I didn't.
[ Maybe he still would have killed Shaw, or maybe he wouldn't have. Maybe the events would have played out in a way he didn't hurt Charles, or maybe he still would have and would have hated himself all the more for it. Maybe everything that could go wrong would have still gone wrong and it would have been an even greater betrayal, and he would have found it even more necessary to leave.
Erik doesn't like to live on what ifs. ]
I made a choice. I don't know if it was a mistake, when I can't know what would have happened differently, but I regret not taking that chance anyway.
[ Charles sighs when Erik comes over because Charles was planning on getting an answer and brushing off the subject after that, which is him being avoidant. But he started this so he has to live with it, even if this is a difficult conversation to have. He doesn't think either of them are in denial, in the strictest sense, they know what's there, but there are layers to why it never happened. And whether it was for the best or not.
He forces himself to look at Erik and to listen to him, blaming himself for starting this when he didn't need to, but it's haunted him all this time. He never got to have something he desperately wanted and then he lost everything, and it's difficult not to question if one choice didn't lead to the next.]
I thought we'd have time and it could wait.
[ Again, arrogant and naive and blindly hopeful. Charles couldn't foresee a future where they separated like that. So it was easy to brush it off and say they would figure it out once the situation was handled. He could take his time to seduce Erik. Maybe wine and dine him, see what a chess match could turn into if he was a little more forward. It was a nice thought, a future where killing Shaw was the end of it.]
What I've learned from the others is that I never invested in a relationship, I didn't seek that out, I focused solely on my work. And I'm certain it was everything I needed it to be. But I do wonder, if it's because I couldn't ... move on.
[ Stuck in a love that never was realized and couldn't happen. It does sound stupidly romantic of him, so maybe that's stupid too, and he's assuming things. He does know that for him, a part of why he didn't move on in those years after, was his lack of trust after Erik left him. And a lack of faith in himself and if he could be enough for anyone.]
[ Well, Erik's not letting that go, not this time. Charles wouldn't have asked if it wasn't weighing on his mind, what they could have been, where they might be today if just one thing had been different. Maybe another time, Erik would have avoided the answer just as much, wouldn't have seen a point to talking about this.
It's not an old wound, or a scar they're cutting open again. They've been bleeding for ten years and maybe this isn't the place to tending to it, but there is no other place, and Erik doesn't want to wait for a better time.
Maybe neither does Charles. Hopefully, if he's bringing this up at all to begin with. ]
So did I.
[ Briefly, vaguely, though he didn't completely let go of his goal to kill Shaw. Even when he didn't know whether Charles would just accept him by his side after he did something like that, he still held onto the belief that they would have time after that. After he was done.
When was he ever done, though? Raven herself said that to him. Killing one man was never enough, for him.
That's just one of the many reasons why he's trying to find a different path. Pull away from a future that (hopefully) they managed to change. He wants to be done. ]
I didn't even know if I was ever going to see you again. [ His voice cracks at the tail end of those words, and he has to look away, jaw clenched for a moment. ] But I hoped...
[ He lets out a quiet chuckle at that, because hope was always Charles's thing, never Erik's. ]
I hoped that things might be different, after everything. I don't know if they would be different for us, but. Maybe that, too.
[ Either way, he wouldn't want Charles to live the rest of his life like that, holding onto something they never quite took a chance on. If Erik truly succeeds in finding a new path for himself, then the future could be anything. ]
[ Charles had never been happier in his life than in those early days, when they'd made Cerebro, they were recruiting, when Raven was still happy and he was falling in love with Erik. He'd never felt that way in his life and it was a little scary, but it was mostly thrilling, and that's why he waited, he thought when it happened, it would be worth it.
The joy he felt during that time was what made it so terrible when it was gone, what broke him in ways that he still hasn't picked up the pieces of. Eventually the school works out, and he will feel happiness again, and purpose, and that hope that keeps him going. It's not as if misery was his company forever. But it doesn't change that in this way, his heart was closed forever.]
You didn't seem to have my problem of never moving on. [ He says with some amount of, let's face it, seething jealousy.] You were in a relationship with my sister.
[ Whether he was jealous of one of them more than the other, who knows, only that they had each other and he had nothing. But probably a part of him will hold onto the bitterness that the only person he ever loved moved on to the person he loved most. It's not a pretty side of him, admittedly, but it may as well be out in the open since everything else is.]
You don't know how that felt. To be replaced, by both of you, to be abandoned, by both of you.
[ Charles shouted it at Erik when they saw one another again, but this is on a much more personal level. This is with the understanding between them now that he is talking about the fact he was in love with Erik and it was more serious than just the loss of his companionship. He's not bringing it up to cycle the same feelings, it's specific to the feelings he's discussing right now. Charles sounds more emotional now too, rubbing a hand across his face. ]
You manage to move on just fine from me while I am pathetic imagining something I couldn't have.
[ He probably should have expected Raven to come up at some point, and he feels an idiot when it hits him out of nowhere. His surprise shows in his features, eyes widening, mouth hanging open for just a brief moment. ]
We didn't have a relationship. We were barely together.
[ It's been almost ten years, for Erik. But whatever they had was brief, not serious, and looking back on it now, Erik realises that he was just using her as a poor replacement. It's harsh but it's the cold truth, that Raven was the closest Erik had to the memories of Charles, and he placed her in an impossible situation, where he wanted her close but still pushed her away, and it only led to another fractured relationship, another bridge he burned.
But it's all semantics, and he knows that. For Charles, anyway. From his perspective it must have hurt more than Erik can begin to imagine, and he hears it again, Charles yelling at him about how he had abandoned him, and he took Raven too. He was right then, he's right now. ]
I placed her in an impossible position. I know she regretted joining me. Resented me for it, I'm sure. I held onto her because she was the last piece of you I had. It wasn't right.
[ And it didn't take long at all for them both to realise that there was really nothing there, nothing that even remotely compared to what he had with Charles. Or rather, what he never got to have with Charles. ]
I dealt with it all differently than you, but that doesn't mean that I moved on. I'm never going to move on from you.
[ Not completely. He just figures out new ways to survive, because that's all he's ever known. ]
[ Raven is literally hovering over them at the moment because her absence is still being felt by Charles right then. Perhaps he feels guilty too, that he's talking about his feelings with Erik when she was with him, when her feelings were complicated too. And he never got a chance to talk to her about this which means her opinion is eternally locked out for him. They were in a love triangle that none of them intended.
Charles doesn't know what he wanted to hear there. That it was beautiful and important to both of them? A serious relationship that just didn't work out? Or that it was nothing at all, a mistake. And what it was, in the end, which he already suspected, but it doesn't feel good all the same. Anyone would be lucky to have her, he told Raven when they were still together, and he meant it. He was very supportive of her and Hank. Erik was a curveball for him. He'd never blame Raven though, she can do no wrong even now.
He isn't sure if he believes Erik, which is part of the problem. He also knows Erik is telling the truth, that he never bothers to lie with Charles because he'd know either way. But it's difficult for him, he's not the arrogant young man he was. His self-esteem has taken a few heavy hits. It's gotten better since seeing his students here, but that doesn't taken into account how he feels as a man. If he sees himself as desirable.
Blue eyes are sharp as they rest on Erik's face and they dip to his lips in not even a semblance of subtly, before flickering back to his gaze. He wants. God how he wants. But.]
You know that I can't, yes? I'm not ... capable. Physically, at least.
[ Humiliating fact for him, paralyzed as he is. It would always have been a struggle to get into a relationship after that, with all his mixed feelings attached. Charles has fair skin and he flushes red where the beard isn't covering. ]
[ He wouldn't go so far as to say that it meant nothing. Erik was fond of Raven, still is now despite his betrayal. But it just wasn't anywhere near the same as what he felt for Charles, and that became all the more apparent for him when they left Charles behind. She was smart, perceptive, he's sure that she could sense it too, to some degree. It wasn't his intention to hurt her, but he did regardless, and their brief reunion here wasn't enough time for Erik to manage a proper apology to her for the way it all went down.
It's an added layer of grief now, talking about this after Raven's just left this place. He doesn't know if it helps Charles in dealing with losing her yet again, but it was a necessary conversation, and something that was obviously weighing heavily in Charles's mind.
The subject of Charles's sister comes and goes just as quickly. Probably a good thing, considering where his gaze lands, and by the time Charles speaks again, Raven is most definitely out of Erik's mind.
He's still going to need a few seconds to make sure he's understanding that right, don't mind him. ]
You can't possibly think I care about that.
[ He would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy sex, but there are a great many forms of intimacy, physical and otherwise, and even when they didn't so much as kiss before, his connection with Charles was still the most intense and intimate he's ever had. It doesn't matter to him if Charles has other limitations— which at this point, Erik's fairly sure he's bringing up for a very specific reason.
So he reaches out to rest a hand over Charles's, more than enough to get his attention, fingertips brushing over his knuckles. ]
[ Charles and Raven were focused on working out their own issues, they hadn't gotten around to Erik. He has no idea how aware she was of their particular 'complicated' status, but she's known Charles most of her life, she knew at least a little. He doesn't know when they would have been able to talk about this, or if he would pointedly avoid it so he didn't have to talk about it with her. It's different when it's Erik, because they both know what it feels like. What was between them, though they never said it out loud.
He won't be able to get absolution from Raven. He has to set that aside. This is difficult enough as it is. Charles sighs and rubs his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, as if ready to stave off a headache. It's actually about staving off heartache and the many layers of how this is not going to be easy. He started this. ]
Maybe I care about that.
[ Charles still feels lust and desire and want. He also longs for the intimacy they used to have, and those aspects to it are certainly there. It's not impossible, not with his mind, but he's bringing it up because it does matter to him. This is all thorny territory. Walking wasn't the only thing that medication gave back to him temporarily, not that he took advantage. He's just saying that it's not as simple as Erik not caring.
He lets Erik touch his other hand, dropping the one on his face, and after a tentative moment, he turns his hand so it's palm up. He curls his fingers around Erik's and just allows himself that for a moment.]
I'm torn. [ Charles looks at him directly.] Between being tired of us waiting forever and missing our chances, and whether this is any wiser than it would have been then.
[ At this point it seems that there isn't a single thing about them that's simple, so that's just par for the course. Erik did assume Charles was bringing it up on the off chance that he hadn't considered that possibility, or that it might be a deal breaker for him. But he can understand why it would matter to Charles, even if it doesn't particularly to him. ]
I could stand to make a few more unwise decisions.
[ Maybe ones with fewer awful repercussions. He's made enough mistakes, he thinks. Maybe this would not be wise, but it definitely wouldn't be a mistake. To him, at least, he can't speak for Charles. After everything, he wouldn't blame him for thinking of it that way, at least partly.
The tentative touch of his fingers shifts into more of a hold when Charles turns his hand, thumb hooked around his fingers, still brushing against the back of them. He's reminded of when Charles gave him back his memories. He held his hand then too, in this very room. He wouldn't mind getting used to this. ]
What do you want to do, then?
[ Because Charles was the one bringing all of this up to begin with, and Erik's been careful to only ever meet him where his comfort level is. He was even prepared for them to never address this to begin with, honestly. Maybe Raven's departure also played a part in pushing Charles to talking about it. ]
[ Charles says very dryly. Erik's made plenty of mistakes, which they both know, and have gone over, and understand. Charles is not without fault, but he does believe that Erik won't be trying to kill him or his team any time soon. His concern with Erik is his instinctive responses, not his logical ones. But there is not much logic where this is concerned. This is all to do with feelings.
The few times they've touched since the old days have left imprints on him. Tiny brushes of their fingers that first day, a touch on Erik's temple, a gentle caress of his face when he was upset during the mannequin. Every move is deliberate but shy too. They've played a lot of one step forward two steps back, and that will remain true for them in the years ahead, and none of that matters now. What does he want now?]
I'm telling myself I shouldn't because you could disappear tomorrow. That I shouldn't because my X-Men still fear you. That this could ruin what peace we've managed to make between us. That I'll never get to be certain Raven understood.
[ These are Charles's fears realized and bluntly spoken. They're honest with each other, it's what they do. These are good reasons not to do anything, all very rational and valid. He can barely explain to people why they're friends let alone that they're something else. It puts him in a very awkward position as a person of influence. He doesn't know if it would hurt more, having this and losing it, or never letting himself have it.]
But god, Erik, a part of me truly doesn't give a damn.
[ The part of him that is Charles Xavier, the one Erik knew and loved, who would throw his heart into everything and anything. He would take care of people and had a open heart, and whether it was arrogance or innocence, his brightness drew people to him. These facts are the mind of someone more experienced and beaten down by life.
Charles reaches out with his other hand to cup Erik's face, his touch light and then solid, running his thumb along Erik's cheekbone. His eyes are fixed on Erik's, gaze meeting gaze, and there is something reckless curling in the base of his stomach.]
[ He has to swallow down his amusement at that, however right that Charles is. He's talking about a whole other type of unwise decisions, not the kind that has him turning on other mutants or getting himself labeled a terrorist. He truly does not want to go down that route yet again. But Charles is right in that his impulsiveness is often the issue, when it comes to that.
Luckily, all of that couldn't be farther from his mind than at this precise moment, with Charles's hand in his, those blue eyes locked with his own, even the lilt in each of Charles's words making his insides twist in strange but pleasant ways.
A part of him doesn't give a damn? That's funny, because all of Erik himself does not give a damn. He does fully understand the complications that will follow them taking this step, but he wants it more than he worries about all of those things— and quite frankly, he doesn't give a fuck how the X-Men feel about him, only Charles.
Charles, who now meets his gaze head on, who stops talking about his long list of concerns and simply says what he wants, and it's not a surprise by any means, but it's still something else to hear it said out loud. His breath stills, quiet, but his heart's leaping in his chest to counter the calm that shows in his expression, though it does little to quiet the yearning that practically pours from his gaze.
Erik's far from the epitome of self-control, really. Even less so when he knows his actions will be welcome, and his desire will be met. Charles is barely done saying the words before he's leaning in what little distance there still remains between them, locking their mouths together, free hand curling on Charles's nape, though he knows that encouragement to keep him close is far from necessary. ]
[ Charles is required to give a little more of a damn given his situation with his students and the people who look to him for guidance. It is already complicated to ask them to tolerate him and at least give him a chance to prove himself. It's another to try and explain how he's been insanely in love with this man since they met and Erik trying to kill everyone has not changed that in the slightest.
But Charles is rarely selfish, he always puts other people first, and maybe just this once, he can put what he wants first. And figure out the rest later. His heart is beating faster now that they're close, that it seems to finally be hurtling toward something they avoided all this time, but secretly desired. Erik's already on him by the time he finishes his sentence and he almost laughs, because yes, that is exactly how he feels. Like if he waits any more seconds before he gets to kiss him, he's going to go mad.
This isn't a slow exploration or testing the waters, the waters have been tested for over a damned decade. It's been a long time since Charles kissed anyone and he meets passion with passion, dragging fingers through Erik's hair, holding his face close so he can kiss him like nothing else in the world matters. That's how it feels right then. He'd never wanted anyone the way he wanted Erik, it was almost instant upon meeting him, this intense interest and fascination targeted in one person.
He only breaks for a moment so they can take in a breath before he's sweeping Erik in a second kiss, sweeping his tongue boldly into his mouth, making up for all this lost time that he's going to ignore. Anything holding him back is gone now. It's only them.]
[ No, Erik's actions haven't helped any in improving his own image, or Charles's stance among his X-Men. He can accept that easily. Granted that he has vowed to do his best to change that, but that may be just too little too late for the group of mutants here with them, from a future that's seen Erik go down a very bad path. He may not care about being liked or believed by them, but he certainly doesn't want to diminish their respect for Charles because of this.
Alas, reason may be out the window at this point, because after kissing Charles, he has a feeling that there is no force in the world that could convince him to stay away— with the exception of Charles changing his mind, but he seriously doubts that's going to happen, if the eagerness he feels from him is anything to go by.
Erik matches it with equal fervor, perhaps more so. He's reserved and restrained when it comes to this kind of intimacy, but with Charles everything feels different. He wants to let the dam break loose, and just hold him while the water rushes in, swallowing them up.
He knows he's not alone in that feeling either, when he feels the added intensity of that second kiss. He meets Charles halfway without a thought, tilting his head and parting his lips gladly when the contact deepens, a soft hum dragged from his lungs, fingers curling into Charles's hands while his other hand slides down his side, arm winding around his waist. There's no measure of close that would feel too close, right now. ]
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[ In here, and especially out there, on the road and in the diffusion zones. Erik has already felt some instability in his own powers, not quite gone but just not working as they should. He couldn't sense how that assimilation worked, not the way that Charles would have been able to, but he trusts Charles's abilities. He knows that if that mannequin managed to gain access to his mind, it was not because of a flaw on Charles's part. ]
I wish you'd told me. [ He pauses what he's doing, so he can turn and turn his focus entirely on Charles. ] I understand why you didn't, but safety is paramount in our current situation. At the very least you wouldn't have been on your own out there.
[ What if he'd run into one of those mannequins, or something even worse? Charles's abilities can only help him so much— and out there, they might not even help at all. And he's not even going to point out how Charles has been the one pushing Erik to open up and let others in. The irony.
He follows the drag of Charles's fingers down his face, his own expression mostly neutral. ]
What's the job?
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[ Charles has always trusted in his abilities to help him, until he chose his legs over his power. And then he wasn't much of anything for many years. It's a burden, but it is his only chance to feel powerful again at the same time. But outside of his mind, he truly is not all that impressive. He's a man in a wheelchair with no fighting skills and frankly, not that many life skills either. It's become blatantly obvious to him lately, and he hates it. Erik at least is incredibly good at surviving, but even he could do nothing in the face of that mannequin. They were in trouble here. It wasn't enough they had no choice in being here.
Charles frowns at him and glances away, feeling Erik's eyes on him, because yes, logically he knows he was wrong, but he also is terribly stubborn. Feeling helpless isn't as terrible as actually being helpless. He knows it's anti what he tells Erik himself. Rules for thee and not for me.]
I won't again. I'll take someone next time.
[ He says reluctantly but truthfully. Charles doesn't make statements he doesn't mean. He also went to the mall by himself because again, stubborn. At least there he didn't run into anything other than a few harmless people, and he managed to shoo any bandits off. Charles pushes off his wheelchair to the couch instead, preferring to change locations whenever he can to avoid the discomfort. And if he plans on staying here for dinner, he may as well get comfortable.]
My volunteering at the hospital gained me some favor with the people running it. They asked me to help with administrative and financial work. It doesn't pay well, but it's enough for me to get my own room.
[ Which he is thankful for. And he has no doubt Logan is too, although he would never say as much, he respects Charles too much. But it was terribly cramped and Logan was sleeping on the floor all this time. There was no privacy between them. This will give them both more freedom, something Charles in particular needs.
It's not his ideal situation but it does actually satisfy him! He likes the hospital and he feels like he's doing good even if it's paperwork.]
Now you won't have to worry about Logan if you visit me. Not that he's a problem, per se.
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[ Erik has a particular loathing for the sentiment, for obvious reasons. He has never relied on anyone else, he doesn't like to either, and it's part of his current struggle here. It's the sole reason why Charles found him in that state, after the mannequin. If he'd been more reasonable about the whole ordeal, then he would have reached out to Charles long before he got to that point.
They're both a little like a pot calling the kettle black, right now. Because Erik can also admit to the hypocrisy of telling Charles now that he should have reached out to him, or anyone else really, when Erik himself wouldn't do that. And what good did it do either of them, honestly. He doesn't want to entertain the thought of what might have happened if Rowena hadn't come upon him when she did.
Still, he takes Charles's words as reassurance, and doesn't further push on the subject. He doesn't think Charles is just saying it to shut him up, and all he wants right now is to know that Charles won't put himself in a situation of risk needlessly. They all need to drive beyond the city at one point or another, at the least they can take care not to go out there alone. ]
It would be more of a problem if it were Scott.
[ Said with just a touch of wary amusement. He hasn't crossed paths with the other mutant since their confrontation, which is probably for the best. There's no love lost between him and Logan but at least they can be civil and know how to stay out of each other's way. Still, he won't lie; knowing that there's no risk of crossing paths whenever he visits Charles is a comfort. ]
We do always have my room. [ They all look just about the same either way. Erik doesn't much care, frankly. ] But that's good. I doubt there's any job here that pays well, so one that pays at all is already an improvement.
[ It also means Charles isn't stuck in his room for the better part of his day. ]
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He laughs at the reference to Scott. It's true, his prize pupil would be more of a problem, although Scott does understand now that Charles and Erik have something between them. What it is, no one knows for certain, but it's there. He has a plan to force it a little more in the future, but it's still only early fruition in his head. Charles will figure out the safest path to get his way.]
As much as my admire my future adopted son, I don't know him that well. Logan at least has already seen me at my most pathetic. Which I hate, obviously, but it requires less work on my part to pretend.
[ Charles is getting better but he isn't perfect, and a part of him wants to be for Scott and for Rogue. It's something he's working on, finding an appropriate balance. He was not in a good place when he first arrived and Logan knowing him made it so much easier. He values the man a great deal and can see the love between them and why it happened. But it doesn't mean either of them want to share 500 feet between them eternally.]
I just needed something to do. I was going slowly insane. Much like being in that mansion for years doing nothing but hate everything.
[ Charles hasn't explained much about their years apart, outside of saying that he lost his powers intentionally. The dark spot he went through was a private embarrassment, but perhaps he's willing to talk about it, if there's interest.]
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He's seen too much to believe there might be a better way. It's hard to change that now, but he's genuinely trying, and he's doing it for no reason other than Charles, to be perfectly honest. And maybe to prove to himself that he doesn't have to make himself a monster to stand up for their cause. ]
You shouldn't have to pretend either way. I doubt Scott's opinion of you would be diminished.
[ For what little he knew of the man, when they were at the beginning of a friendship Erik hoped would grow solid and steady, he seemed like an honest, loyal man. Knowing now that he's that close to Charles only cements that perspective in Erik's mind. There's nothing Charles could do to change the man's feelings or opinions about him, at least he doesn't think so. But Charles is proud to a fault, he's not surprised to hear that he's trying to make himself look more put together than he really is.
His gaze lowers briefly when Charles mentions those years apart, while Erik was (for the vast majority) locked away. They haven't really spoken about that period of time. Erik isn't entirely sure that he wants to, at least not about what he himself went through, but he's willing to listen to Charles's side of things. Not just that, but he feels like that's the least he owes Charles, when he was the one who pushed him into that situation to begin with. ]
I thought you were just hating me for what I did to you.
[ Not just the injury, but the fact that he took Raven away. Not that it wasn't her choice too, but she was impressionable and they both know how charming Erik can be, when he wants to. It was easier to say that they both had their paths to walk, when in truth Erik practically forced Charles down that path when he took what was most important to him. ]
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[ Not a surprise for either of them, having met and spent some time with Scott now. That is why Charles is confident that in time Scott will be open to Erik and accepting he's not the same villain he knew. It was difficult in the moment, yes, but space and some time changing his mind was possible. He has faith in his would-be son. Forgiveness is a major part of Charles and his point of view, he suspects he instilled that in others, the ones who would listen.
Charles has come a long way from that first week already. Time here has unraveled enough, and the presence of his students helped, that he can see his dark time passing by him. Having a job and a purpose of a kind again will help him too. It was difficult those first few days with the noise of this place, he was truly in a struggle, and only a little past the times that he was ashamed of. That Erik himself pointed out to him, when he was already low.
Charles considers what Erik says before responding. It's not as simple as that, but it's also not incorrect. He felt hate for the first time in his life, that's true.]
I was heartbroken, Erik. Hate was just an easier feeling in the start than sorrow.
[ Charles could be angry instead which never came to him easily but it consumed him, churned away inside of him. ]
I had this foolish notion that you both would come back. To check on me, if nothing else. As time went on, I hated myself too, for hoping for that.
[ Hope for a time became something he learned to despise, the longer it turned into stupidity. Charles was injured, he was paralyzed, he was left bleeding in the sand by his dearest loved ones. He thought that their love for him would lead them back to him in the smallest of ways, but it never did. He's still hurt about that. ]
I knew why you didn't, but I still wanted it.
[ No one knows Erik better than Charles. Or Raven, for that matter. Their silence toward him should have been expected, but it wasn't logic leading him much during that time, but emotion.]
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He worries that Raven's disappearance might push him back on the progress he's made so far, but on the other hand, he's not alone. He seems willing to reach out, at least in part. He's not isolating himself entirely, which is a good thing. Erik's sure both Logan and Scott will keep an eye on him, but he's also going to be sure to check in on him a little more regularly over the next few weeks, just in case.
The food only gets half his attention right now, setting the pot to boil some pasta almost on automatic, instead focused more on Charles. None of what he says surprises Erik, all similar sentiments to ones they shared during their initial meeting here, but there's a vulnerability to it, an admission on Charles's end that makes it hurt just that little more. ]
I thought about it. [ For the while he was free anyway, before getting locked up. Not much of a choice on his end then. He doesn't think he'd have reached out or gone to find Charles had he broken out either, if it hadn't been Charles himself orchestrating the whole thing. ]
I didn't think you'd want to see me, after what I did. [ There's a bitter smile there, and he pauses what he's doing to look to Charles. If they're doing admissions about those ten years, then... ] You know, when I was in that cell, I kept wondering if you'd try to reach out to me. I didn't know whether the jail itself was built in a way to keep your mind out, but...
[ He doubts it. The way they avoided metal of any kind anywhere near him said as much. Peter managed to break him out fairly easily too, so clearly there was nothing there to dampen their abilities. ]
I didn't know about Hank's serum. [ Obviously. ] I just thought that I'd burnt that bridge completely.
[ Before coming here, he didn't even think he'd see Charles again. So yes, there were a great many reasons why he didn't reach out, and why he wasn't planning to before arriving in this place. ]
I'm annoying and hitting you back right away don't @ me
I wanted to, Erik, I missed you more than I can say. You swept into my life, set it on fire, and then left like the tide. But I was angry too, I didn't feel like I should be the one to breach the gap.
[ Stubbornness, one of their common traits. It's not as if their reunion would be perfectly happy either. Charles would not have punched Erik like he did later, he was in a bad place then and wanted to hurt someone, but he would have also been upset. But glad, so glad, especially if Raven came with him. Being without her was the hardest thing about his life, and now he has to do it again. He looks at Erik and wonders how crushed he would be if he lost this too, just as he gets it back. But will that stop him?
He's quiet for a moment as he considers how much to say, but in the end, he is an honest person.]
I did think about it, early on, but what was I supposed to say to my team at that point? I want you all to risk your lives and our dangerous exposure for one man? If it was just me, if I was whole, I might have.
[ Erik was jailed when Charles still had people in the school, when he could have possibly had mutants who could do the job. But their safety had to matter more to him. Alex, Hank, and Sean might have been willing. They still had ties to Erik and knew what he meant to Charles. But then it all went terribly wrong and he had nothing, not even the means to rescue any other person.
His wheelchair would hold him back in the rescue, that's what he meant by whole. His mind can do a great deal but the details of getting him out would require more mobility to finish. In the end, he just couldn't figure out the logistics, and then he was just angry in general. Erik he released into the wild and he killed the President.]
I felt like your actions were on me, you killed the President and I didn't try to stop you. My judgment will always be clouded with you.
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[ It might be in part stubbornness, but Charles is right in feeling that way. Erik was the one who made his own choices, and he was left to deal with the consequences of his actions. The worst of it all was that he wasn't the only one to suffer those consequences. In his blind rage and the deep fear of seeing history repeat itself, he was the one to cause harm to Charles, even if he didn't intend it. He turned his anger on Moira, but the truth is he has no one to blame for that but himself.
He didn't really think there was a path together for them, after that. Not even that their paths might cross, unless they were standing on opposing sides. The silence from Charles, while justifiable, only made him surer that there was nothing there to reach out to. Keeping his distance seemed like the right thing to do. For once.
Things could have been different, if he had gone back. If he'd only encouraged Raven to reach out to her brother, too. There's no point in thinking about it. Erik doesn't like to live on what ifs. This, right now, is complicated, fractured and painful, but it's real, and there's a glimmer of hope that he's going to cling to, for however long Charles shines it on him. ]
I told you I didn't kill him. I wasn't lying then.
[ Maybe Charles could not tell then, as he didn't have access to his abilities, but he will now. That wasn't just him trying to manipulate the situation to his own advantage. He was a convenient scapegoat, though. Easier still that he was a mutant, and labeled a terrorist too. So much for due process. ]
I'm sorry. I know it was... unreasonable to expect that you'd reach out to me, after everything.
[ He meets Charles's gaze, too exposed for comfort, but pressing on nevertheless. Not because he feels like he owes Charles equal vulnerability, but because he wants to meet him halfway. ]
You gave me so much— I didn't know what to do with it all.
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[ And then the cycle would continue with their conflict and their struggles. He would save Erik and then he would be responsible for everything that he did. He feels responsible for what Erik did after they did rescue him, including shooting Raven. He should have been more cautious, he should have known better, but he wanted him back so damn much that he was foolish. It's clearly not a lesson he's learned, sitting here letting Erik cook for him, watching him intently. His eyes slide over his familiar form and his feelings are complicated and yet incredibly straight forward. It's never going to be easy.
He went to get Erik when Logan promised him they were working together, that is what changed his perspective. He wanted to hope. Now he still is, otherwise he wouldn't be here. He flicks his sharp gaze away from Erik, running fingers through his hair, looking around the room instead.]
I know. It was naive of me, to think I offered enough. You spent your entire tortured life with one mission, and there I was, knowing you for a shorter time, believing that you'd pick me at the end of it. It wasn't fair to expect that either.
[ But god Charles was at his most confident then too. With them all coming together, with the mansion turned into a school, with Erik and Raven by his side. Charles was glowing with love and happiness and possibility. He had a dream so clearly in his mind and he thought that they all could see it. The idea of losing the two people most beloved to him was not even a possibility in his mind.]
From what I can tell from Scott and our future there, I felt so much pain over you and Raven that you were practically a secret, I couldn't speak of it to anyone. It's so damned tragic.
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Charles is right, too. He probably would have just disappeared after that. As much as he longed to see Charles again, he knew he'd done too much damage, and things would never truly be the same after everything.
Yet now here they are, talking and spending time together, sharing dinner. Their
datesmeetings so regular at this point that Erik's gotten used to them, like it's part of his routine. So maybe things can't be the same, but that... doesn't have to be a bad thing, necessarily. ]It's not that simple. It wasn't about you being enough, Charles. You were always enough, you were...
[ More, so much more, and maybe it terrified Erik just a little too much. But hunting down Shaw took up two decades of his life, and when he had the opportunity to take him down, he just saw nothing else in front of him.
He turns his face away for a moment, gaze out the window. He feels a knot pressing against his throat, the hurt in Charles's own words making his heart ache, and regret linger. Not something he tends to feel very often.
He looks back to Charles then, eyes locked with his. Not that Charles would need to look into them to see that Erik isn't lying. ]
I'm not going anywhere now.
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[ Charles pauses. This is a topic he has thought about frequently and never planned on asking or referring to at all. And now that he's started it, a part of him wants to go back on it entirely, change the subject, not step down a road that they purposely avoided. But it has consumed him at times, the what ifs, and how they could have changed the terrible course of their lives.]
If we'd been closer, would it have made a difference?
[ What he's asking and still dancing around directly saying is if they were together. Charles has never addressed or referenced the feelings that he knew on some level were underneath their friendship. It's not as if he hid any bit of that away from Erik when he restored his memory, when all of his feelings and any variation of them were on display. He didn't have the ability to disconnect one from the other when he was just there to help him. It's not as if he's been subtle.
But that's what a part of him had wondered. If he and Erik were a couple, if he gave all of himself to Erik, would it have changed everything? Would Charles's love have been enough then, if he let it all be known? Rather than hide behind friendship and brotherhood, because he thought it was safer and wiser for both of them to focus on the mission. They'd have time, he thought, to explore the rest, and a part of him had been so looking forward to that option. But this part has haunted him. Could he have changed their fate, if he was a little less arrogant, or a little less scared of it all?
He is purposely not looking at Erik when he says that because it's complicated and they know that. It's intentionally been avoided. Charles isn't entirely sure how comfortable he is but he's done it, he brought it up, he said it. Apparently the answer matters enough for him to bring up an old wound.]
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What they are is— complicated, maybe even more so now, since their reunion. Because love was easy, and anger was easy, but the complexity of mending something Erik himself broke takes that much more work. Patching together the tattered remains of Charles's trust in him. ]
I don't know.
[ It's his first, honest answer. He doesn't stop there. He turns off the stove, because the food can wait a little longer, and he makes his way to the couch, taking a seat next to Charles. If they're having this conversation, then he damn well will have Charles look him in the eye, not avoid even glancing his way after asking something like that. ]
If... we weren't closer then, it's also because I didn't take that step. I knew how you were changing my perspective on— everything, how in only a few weeks you made me reconsider everything I worked towards for two decades. I didn't know if taking things a step further would change my mind on my objective, so... I didn't.
[ Maybe he still would have killed Shaw, or maybe he wouldn't have. Maybe the events would have played out in a way he didn't hurt Charles, or maybe he still would have and would have hated himself all the more for it. Maybe everything that could go wrong would have still gone wrong and it would have been an even greater betrayal, and he would have found it even more necessary to leave.
Erik doesn't like to live on what ifs. ]
I made a choice. I don't know if it was a mistake, when I can't know what would have happened differently, but I regret not taking that chance anyway.
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He forces himself to look at Erik and to listen to him, blaming himself for starting this when he didn't need to, but it's haunted him all this time. He never got to have something he desperately wanted and then he lost everything, and it's difficult not to question if one choice didn't lead to the next.]
I thought we'd have time and it could wait.
[ Again, arrogant and naive and blindly hopeful. Charles couldn't foresee a future where they separated like that. So it was easy to brush it off and say they would figure it out once the situation was handled. He could take his time to seduce Erik. Maybe wine and dine him, see what a chess match could turn into if he was a little more forward. It was a nice thought, a future where killing Shaw was the end of it.]
What I've learned from the others is that I never invested in a relationship, I didn't seek that out, I focused solely on my work. And I'm certain it was everything I needed it to be. But I do wonder, if it's because I couldn't ... move on.
[ Stuck in a love that never was realized and couldn't happen. It does sound stupidly romantic of him, so maybe that's stupid too, and he's assuming things. He does know that for him, a part of why he didn't move on in those years after, was his lack of trust after Erik left him. And a lack of faith in himself and if he could be enough for anyone.]
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It's not an old wound, or a scar they're cutting open again. They've been bleeding for ten years and maybe this isn't the place to tending to it, but there is no other place, and Erik doesn't want to wait for a better time.
Maybe neither does Charles. Hopefully, if he's bringing this up at all to begin with. ]
So did I.
[ Briefly, vaguely, though he didn't completely let go of his goal to kill Shaw. Even when he didn't know whether Charles would just accept him by his side after he did something like that, he still held onto the belief that they would have time after that. After he was done.
When was he ever done, though? Raven herself said that to him. Killing one man was never enough, for him.
That's just one of the many reasons why he's trying to find a different path. Pull away from a future that (hopefully) they managed to change. He wants to be done. ]
I didn't even know if I was ever going to see you again. [ His voice cracks at the tail end of those words, and he has to look away, jaw clenched for a moment. ] But I hoped...
[ He lets out a quiet chuckle at that, because hope was always Charles's thing, never Erik's. ]
I hoped that things might be different, after everything. I don't know if they would be different for us, but. Maybe that, too.
[ Either way, he wouldn't want Charles to live the rest of his life like that, holding onto something they never quite took a chance on. If Erik truly succeeds in finding a new path for himself, then the future could be anything. ]
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The joy he felt during that time was what made it so terrible when it was gone, what broke him in ways that he still hasn't picked up the pieces of. Eventually the school works out, and he will feel happiness again, and purpose, and that hope that keeps him going. It's not as if misery was his company forever. But it doesn't change that in this way, his heart was closed forever.]
You didn't seem to have my problem of never moving on. [ He says with some amount of, let's face it, seething jealousy.] You were in a relationship with my sister.
[ Whether he was jealous of one of them more than the other, who knows, only that they had each other and he had nothing. But probably a part of him will hold onto the bitterness that the only person he ever loved moved on to the person he loved most. It's not a pretty side of him, admittedly, but it may as well be out in the open since everything else is.]
You don't know how that felt. To be replaced, by both of you, to be abandoned, by both of you.
[ Charles shouted it at Erik when they saw one another again, but this is on a much more personal level. This is with the understanding between them now that he is talking about the fact he was in love with Erik and it was more serious than just the loss of his companionship. He's not bringing it up to cycle the same feelings, it's specific to the feelings he's discussing right now. Charles sounds more emotional now too, rubbing a hand across his face. ]
You manage to move on just fine from me while I am pathetic imagining something I couldn't have.
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We didn't have a relationship. We were barely together.
[ It's been almost ten years, for Erik. But whatever they had was brief, not serious, and looking back on it now, Erik realises that he was just using her as a poor replacement. It's harsh but it's the cold truth, that Raven was the closest Erik had to the memories of Charles, and he placed her in an impossible situation, where he wanted her close but still pushed her away, and it only led to another fractured relationship, another bridge he burned.
But it's all semantics, and he knows that. For Charles, anyway. From his perspective it must have hurt more than Erik can begin to imagine, and he hears it again, Charles yelling at him about how he had abandoned him, and he took Raven too. He was right then, he's right now. ]
I placed her in an impossible position. I know she regretted joining me. Resented me for it, I'm sure. I held onto her because she was the last piece of you I had. It wasn't right.
[ And it didn't take long at all for them both to realise that there was really nothing there, nothing that even remotely compared to what he had with Charles. Or rather, what he never got to have with Charles. ]
I dealt with it all differently than you, but that doesn't mean that I moved on. I'm never going to move on from you.
[ Not completely. He just figures out new ways to survive, because that's all he's ever known. ]
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Charles doesn't know what he wanted to hear there. That it was beautiful and important to both of them? A serious relationship that just didn't work out? Or that it was nothing at all, a mistake. And what it was, in the end, which he already suspected, but it doesn't feel good all the same. Anyone would be lucky to have her, he told Raven when they were still together, and he meant it. He was very supportive of her and Hank. Erik was a curveball for him. He'd never blame Raven though, she can do no wrong even now.
He isn't sure if he believes Erik, which is part of the problem. He also knows Erik is telling the truth, that he never bothers to lie with Charles because he'd know either way. But it's difficult for him, he's not the arrogant young man he was. His self-esteem has taken a few heavy hits. It's gotten better since seeing his students here, but that doesn't taken into account how he feels as a man. If he sees himself as desirable.
Blue eyes are sharp as they rest on Erik's face and they dip to his lips in not even a semblance of subtly, before flickering back to his gaze. He wants. God how he wants. But.]
You know that I can't, yes? I'm not ... capable. Physically, at least.
[ Humiliating fact for him, paralyzed as he is. It would always have been a struggle to get into a relationship after that, with all his mixed feelings attached. Charles has fair skin and he flushes red where the beard isn't covering. ]
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It's an added layer of grief now, talking about this after Raven's just left this place. He doesn't know if it helps Charles in dealing with losing her yet again, but it was a necessary conversation, and something that was obviously weighing heavily in Charles's mind.
The subject of Charles's sister comes and goes just as quickly. Probably a good thing, considering where his gaze lands, and by the time Charles speaks again, Raven is most definitely out of Erik's mind.
He's still going to need a few seconds to make sure he's understanding that right, don't mind him. ]
You can't possibly think I care about that.
[ He would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy sex, but there are a great many forms of intimacy, physical and otherwise, and even when they didn't so much as kiss before, his connection with Charles was still the most intense and intimate he's ever had. It doesn't matter to him if Charles has other limitations— which at this point, Erik's fairly sure he's bringing up for a very specific reason.
So he reaches out to rest a hand over Charles's, more than enough to get his attention, fingertips brushing over his knuckles. ]
Charles.
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He won't be able to get absolution from Raven. He has to set that aside. This is difficult enough as it is. Charles sighs and rubs his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, as if ready to stave off a headache. It's actually about staving off heartache and the many layers of how this is not going to be easy. He started this. ]
Maybe I care about that.
[ Charles still feels lust and desire and want. He also longs for the intimacy they used to have, and those aspects to it are certainly there. It's not impossible, not with his mind, but he's bringing it up because it does matter to him. This is all thorny territory. Walking wasn't the only thing that medication gave back to him temporarily, not that he took advantage. He's just saying that it's not as simple as Erik not caring.
He lets Erik touch his other hand, dropping the one on his face, and after a tentative moment, he turns his hand so it's palm up. He curls his fingers around Erik's and just allows himself that for a moment.]
I'm torn. [ Charles looks at him directly.] Between being tired of us waiting forever and missing our chances, and whether this is any wiser than it would have been then.
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I could stand to make a few more unwise decisions.
[ Maybe ones with fewer awful repercussions. He's made enough mistakes, he thinks. Maybe this would not be wise, but it definitely wouldn't be a mistake. To him, at least, he can't speak for Charles. After everything, he wouldn't blame him for thinking of it that way, at least partly.
The tentative touch of his fingers shifts into more of a hold when Charles turns his hand, thumb hooked around his fingers, still brushing against the back of them. He's reminded of when Charles gave him back his memories. He held his hand then too, in this very room. He wouldn't mind getting used to this. ]
What do you want to do, then?
[ Because Charles was the one bringing all of this up to begin with, and Erik's been careful to only ever meet him where his comfort level is. He was even prepared for them to never address this to begin with, honestly. Maybe Raven's departure also played a part in pushing Charles to talking about it. ]
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[ Charles says very dryly. Erik's made plenty of mistakes, which they both know, and have gone over, and understand. Charles is not without fault, but he does believe that Erik won't be trying to kill him or his team any time soon. His concern with Erik is his instinctive responses, not his logical ones. But there is not much logic where this is concerned. This is all to do with feelings.
The few times they've touched since the old days have left imprints on him. Tiny brushes of their fingers that first day, a touch on Erik's temple, a gentle caress of his face when he was upset during the mannequin. Every move is deliberate but shy too. They've played a lot of one step forward two steps back, and that will remain true for them in the years ahead, and none of that matters now. What does he want now?]
I'm telling myself I shouldn't because you could disappear tomorrow. That I shouldn't because my X-Men still fear you. That this could ruin what peace we've managed to make between us. That I'll never get to be certain Raven understood.
[ These are Charles's fears realized and bluntly spoken. They're honest with each other, it's what they do. These are good reasons not to do anything, all very rational and valid. He can barely explain to people why they're friends let alone that they're something else. It puts him in a very awkward position as a person of influence. He doesn't know if it would hurt more, having this and losing it, or never letting himself have it.]
But god, Erik, a part of me truly doesn't give a damn.
[ The part of him that is Charles Xavier, the one Erik knew and loved, who would throw his heart into everything and anything. He would take care of people and had a open heart, and whether it was arrogance or innocence, his brightness drew people to him. These facts are the mind of someone more experienced and beaten down by life.
Charles reaches out with his other hand to cup Erik's face, his touch light and then solid, running his thumb along Erik's cheekbone. His eyes are fixed on Erik's, gaze meeting gaze, and there is something reckless curling in the base of his stomach.]
I want you to finally, finally, kiss me, Erik.
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Luckily, all of that couldn't be farther from his mind than at this precise moment, with Charles's hand in his, those blue eyes locked with his own, even the lilt in each of Charles's words making his insides twist in strange but pleasant ways.
A part of him doesn't give a damn? That's funny, because all of Erik himself does not give a damn. He does fully understand the complications that will follow them taking this step, but he wants it more than he worries about all of those things— and quite frankly, he doesn't give a fuck how the X-Men feel about him, only Charles.
Charles, who now meets his gaze head on, who stops talking about his long list of concerns and simply says what he wants, and it's not a surprise by any means, but it's still something else to hear it said out loud. His breath stills, quiet, but his heart's leaping in his chest to counter the calm that shows in his expression, though it does little to quiet the yearning that practically pours from his gaze.
Erik's far from the epitome of self-control, really. Even less so when he knows his actions will be welcome, and his desire will be met. Charles is barely done saying the words before he's leaning in what little distance there still remains between them, locking their mouths together, free hand curling on Charles's nape, though he knows that encouragement to keep him close is far from necessary. ]
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But Charles is rarely selfish, he always puts other people first, and maybe just this once, he can put what he wants first. And figure out the rest later. His heart is beating faster now that they're close, that it seems to finally be hurtling toward something they avoided all this time, but secretly desired. Erik's already on him by the time he finishes his sentence and he almost laughs, because yes, that is exactly how he feels. Like if he waits any more seconds before he gets to kiss him, he's going to go mad.
This isn't a slow exploration or testing the waters, the waters have been tested for over a damned decade. It's been a long time since Charles kissed anyone and he meets passion with passion, dragging fingers through Erik's hair, holding his face close so he can kiss him like nothing else in the world matters. That's how it feels right then. He'd never wanted anyone the way he wanted Erik, it was almost instant upon meeting him, this intense interest and fascination targeted in one person.
He only breaks for a moment so they can take in a breath before he's sweeping Erik in a second kiss, sweeping his tongue boldly into his mouth, making up for all this lost time that he's going to ignore. Anything holding him back is gone now. It's only them.]
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Alas, reason may be out the window at this point, because after kissing Charles, he has a feeling that there is no force in the world that could convince him to stay away— with the exception of Charles changing his mind, but he seriously doubts that's going to happen, if the eagerness he feels from him is anything to go by.
Erik matches it with equal fervor, perhaps more so. He's reserved and restrained when it comes to this kind of intimacy, but with Charles everything feels different. He wants to let the dam break loose, and just hold him while the water rushes in, swallowing them up.
He knows he's not alone in that feeling either, when he feels the added intensity of that second kiss. He meets Charles halfway without a thought, tilting his head and parting his lips gladly when the contact deepens, a soft hum dragged from his lungs, fingers curling into Charles's hands while his other hand slides down his side, arm winding around his waist. There's no measure of close that would feel too close, right now. ]
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he's a monster erik beware
oops too bad he's in too deep already
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thanks for the patience I'm back from vacay!
welcome back!! ✨
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we can probably finally wrap on this one and do a new event one :D
nooo-- i mean yes, that sounds good!!