[ Well, Erik's not letting that go, not this time. Charles wouldn't have asked if it wasn't weighing on his mind, what they could have been, where they might be today if just one thing had been different. Maybe another time, Erik would have avoided the answer just as much, wouldn't have seen a point to talking about this.
It's not an old wound, or a scar they're cutting open again. They've been bleeding for ten years and maybe this isn't the place to tending to it, but there is no other place, and Erik doesn't want to wait for a better time.
Maybe neither does Charles. Hopefully, if he's bringing this up at all to begin with. ]
So did I.
[ Briefly, vaguely, though he didn't completely let go of his goal to kill Shaw. Even when he didn't know whether Charles would just accept him by his side after he did something like that, he still held onto the belief that they would have time after that. After he was done.
When was he ever done, though? Raven herself said that to him. Killing one man was never enough, for him.
That's just one of the many reasons why he's trying to find a different path. Pull away from a future that (hopefully) they managed to change. He wants to be done. ]
I didn't even know if I was ever going to see you again. [ His voice cracks at the tail end of those words, and he has to look away, jaw clenched for a moment. ] But I hoped...
[ He lets out a quiet chuckle at that, because hope was always Charles's thing, never Erik's. ]
I hoped that things might be different, after everything. I don't know if they would be different for us, but. Maybe that, too.
[ Either way, he wouldn't want Charles to live the rest of his life like that, holding onto something they never quite took a chance on. If Erik truly succeeds in finding a new path for himself, then the future could be anything. ]
[ Charles had never been happier in his life than in those early days, when they'd made Cerebro, they were recruiting, when Raven was still happy and he was falling in love with Erik. He'd never felt that way in his life and it was a little scary, but it was mostly thrilling, and that's why he waited, he thought when it happened, it would be worth it.
The joy he felt during that time was what made it so terrible when it was gone, what broke him in ways that he still hasn't picked up the pieces of. Eventually the school works out, and he will feel happiness again, and purpose, and that hope that keeps him going. It's not as if misery was his company forever. But it doesn't change that in this way, his heart was closed forever.]
You didn't seem to have my problem of never moving on. [ He says with some amount of, let's face it, seething jealousy.] You were in a relationship with my sister.
[ Whether he was jealous of one of them more than the other, who knows, only that they had each other and he had nothing. But probably a part of him will hold onto the bitterness that the only person he ever loved moved on to the person he loved most. It's not a pretty side of him, admittedly, but it may as well be out in the open since everything else is.]
You don't know how that felt. To be replaced, by both of you, to be abandoned, by both of you.
[ Charles shouted it at Erik when they saw one another again, but this is on a much more personal level. This is with the understanding between them now that he is talking about the fact he was in love with Erik and it was more serious than just the loss of his companionship. He's not bringing it up to cycle the same feelings, it's specific to the feelings he's discussing right now. Charles sounds more emotional now too, rubbing a hand across his face. ]
You manage to move on just fine from me while I am pathetic imagining something I couldn't have.
[ He probably should have expected Raven to come up at some point, and he feels an idiot when it hits him out of nowhere. His surprise shows in his features, eyes widening, mouth hanging open for just a brief moment. ]
We didn't have a relationship. We were barely together.
[ It's been almost ten years, for Erik. But whatever they had was brief, not serious, and looking back on it now, Erik realises that he was just using her as a poor replacement. It's harsh but it's the cold truth, that Raven was the closest Erik had to the memories of Charles, and he placed her in an impossible situation, where he wanted her close but still pushed her away, and it only led to another fractured relationship, another bridge he burned.
But it's all semantics, and he knows that. For Charles, anyway. From his perspective it must have hurt more than Erik can begin to imagine, and he hears it again, Charles yelling at him about how he had abandoned him, and he took Raven too. He was right then, he's right now. ]
I placed her in an impossible position. I know she regretted joining me. Resented me for it, I'm sure. I held onto her because she was the last piece of you I had. It wasn't right.
[ And it didn't take long at all for them both to realise that there was really nothing there, nothing that even remotely compared to what he had with Charles. Or rather, what he never got to have with Charles. ]
I dealt with it all differently than you, but that doesn't mean that I moved on. I'm never going to move on from you.
[ Not completely. He just figures out new ways to survive, because that's all he's ever known. ]
[ Raven is literally hovering over them at the moment because her absence is still being felt by Charles right then. Perhaps he feels guilty too, that he's talking about his feelings with Erik when she was with him, when her feelings were complicated too. And he never got a chance to talk to her about this which means her opinion is eternally locked out for him. They were in a love triangle that none of them intended.
Charles doesn't know what he wanted to hear there. That it was beautiful and important to both of them? A serious relationship that just didn't work out? Or that it was nothing at all, a mistake. And what it was, in the end, which he already suspected, but it doesn't feel good all the same. Anyone would be lucky to have her, he told Raven when they were still together, and he meant it. He was very supportive of her and Hank. Erik was a curveball for him. He'd never blame Raven though, she can do no wrong even now.
He isn't sure if he believes Erik, which is part of the problem. He also knows Erik is telling the truth, that he never bothers to lie with Charles because he'd know either way. But it's difficult for him, he's not the arrogant young man he was. His self-esteem has taken a few heavy hits. It's gotten better since seeing his students here, but that doesn't taken into account how he feels as a man. If he sees himself as desirable.
Blue eyes are sharp as they rest on Erik's face and they dip to his lips in not even a semblance of subtly, before flickering back to his gaze. He wants. God how he wants. But.]
You know that I can't, yes? I'm not ... capable. Physically, at least.
[ Humiliating fact for him, paralyzed as he is. It would always have been a struggle to get into a relationship after that, with all his mixed feelings attached. Charles has fair skin and he flushes red where the beard isn't covering. ]
[ He wouldn't go so far as to say that it meant nothing. Erik was fond of Raven, still is now despite his betrayal. But it just wasn't anywhere near the same as what he felt for Charles, and that became all the more apparent for him when they left Charles behind. She was smart, perceptive, he's sure that she could sense it too, to some degree. It wasn't his intention to hurt her, but he did regardless, and their brief reunion here wasn't enough time for Erik to manage a proper apology to her for the way it all went down.
It's an added layer of grief now, talking about this after Raven's just left this place. He doesn't know if it helps Charles in dealing with losing her yet again, but it was a necessary conversation, and something that was obviously weighing heavily in Charles's mind.
The subject of Charles's sister comes and goes just as quickly. Probably a good thing, considering where his gaze lands, and by the time Charles speaks again, Raven is most definitely out of Erik's mind.
He's still going to need a few seconds to make sure he's understanding that right, don't mind him. ]
You can't possibly think I care about that.
[ He would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy sex, but there are a great many forms of intimacy, physical and otherwise, and even when they didn't so much as kiss before, his connection with Charles was still the most intense and intimate he's ever had. It doesn't matter to him if Charles has other limitations— which at this point, Erik's fairly sure he's bringing up for a very specific reason.
So he reaches out to rest a hand over Charles's, more than enough to get his attention, fingertips brushing over his knuckles. ]
[ Charles and Raven were focused on working out their own issues, they hadn't gotten around to Erik. He has no idea how aware she was of their particular 'complicated' status, but she's known Charles most of her life, she knew at least a little. He doesn't know when they would have been able to talk about this, or if he would pointedly avoid it so he didn't have to talk about it with her. It's different when it's Erik, because they both know what it feels like. What was between them, though they never said it out loud.
He won't be able to get absolution from Raven. He has to set that aside. This is difficult enough as it is. Charles sighs and rubs his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, as if ready to stave off a headache. It's actually about staving off heartache and the many layers of how this is not going to be easy. He started this. ]
Maybe I care about that.
[ Charles still feels lust and desire and want. He also longs for the intimacy they used to have, and those aspects to it are certainly there. It's not impossible, not with his mind, but he's bringing it up because it does matter to him. This is all thorny territory. Walking wasn't the only thing that medication gave back to him temporarily, not that he took advantage. He's just saying that it's not as simple as Erik not caring.
He lets Erik touch his other hand, dropping the one on his face, and after a tentative moment, he turns his hand so it's palm up. He curls his fingers around Erik's and just allows himself that for a moment.]
I'm torn. [ Charles looks at him directly.] Between being tired of us waiting forever and missing our chances, and whether this is any wiser than it would have been then.
[ At this point it seems that there isn't a single thing about them that's simple, so that's just par for the course. Erik did assume Charles was bringing it up on the off chance that he hadn't considered that possibility, or that it might be a deal breaker for him. But he can understand why it would matter to Charles, even if it doesn't particularly to him. ]
I could stand to make a few more unwise decisions.
[ Maybe ones with fewer awful repercussions. He's made enough mistakes, he thinks. Maybe this would not be wise, but it definitely wouldn't be a mistake. To him, at least, he can't speak for Charles. After everything, he wouldn't blame him for thinking of it that way, at least partly.
The tentative touch of his fingers shifts into more of a hold when Charles turns his hand, thumb hooked around his fingers, still brushing against the back of them. He's reminded of when Charles gave him back his memories. He held his hand then too, in this very room. He wouldn't mind getting used to this. ]
What do you want to do, then?
[ Because Charles was the one bringing all of this up to begin with, and Erik's been careful to only ever meet him where his comfort level is. He was even prepared for them to never address this to begin with, honestly. Maybe Raven's departure also played a part in pushing Charles to talking about it. ]
[ Charles says very dryly. Erik's made plenty of mistakes, which they both know, and have gone over, and understand. Charles is not without fault, but he does believe that Erik won't be trying to kill him or his team any time soon. His concern with Erik is his instinctive responses, not his logical ones. But there is not much logic where this is concerned. This is all to do with feelings.
The few times they've touched since the old days have left imprints on him. Tiny brushes of their fingers that first day, a touch on Erik's temple, a gentle caress of his face when he was upset during the mannequin. Every move is deliberate but shy too. They've played a lot of one step forward two steps back, and that will remain true for them in the years ahead, and none of that matters now. What does he want now?]
I'm telling myself I shouldn't because you could disappear tomorrow. That I shouldn't because my X-Men still fear you. That this could ruin what peace we've managed to make between us. That I'll never get to be certain Raven understood.
[ These are Charles's fears realized and bluntly spoken. They're honest with each other, it's what they do. These are good reasons not to do anything, all very rational and valid. He can barely explain to people why they're friends let alone that they're something else. It puts him in a very awkward position as a person of influence. He doesn't know if it would hurt more, having this and losing it, or never letting himself have it.]
But god, Erik, a part of me truly doesn't give a damn.
[ The part of him that is Charles Xavier, the one Erik knew and loved, who would throw his heart into everything and anything. He would take care of people and had a open heart, and whether it was arrogance or innocence, his brightness drew people to him. These facts are the mind of someone more experienced and beaten down by life.
Charles reaches out with his other hand to cup Erik's face, his touch light and then solid, running his thumb along Erik's cheekbone. His eyes are fixed on Erik's, gaze meeting gaze, and there is something reckless curling in the base of his stomach.]
[ He has to swallow down his amusement at that, however right that Charles is. He's talking about a whole other type of unwise decisions, not the kind that has him turning on other mutants or getting himself labeled a terrorist. He truly does not want to go down that route yet again. But Charles is right in that his impulsiveness is often the issue, when it comes to that.
Luckily, all of that couldn't be farther from his mind than at this precise moment, with Charles's hand in his, those blue eyes locked with his own, even the lilt in each of Charles's words making his insides twist in strange but pleasant ways.
A part of him doesn't give a damn? That's funny, because all of Erik himself does not give a damn. He does fully understand the complications that will follow them taking this step, but he wants it more than he worries about all of those things— and quite frankly, he doesn't give a fuck how the X-Men feel about him, only Charles.
Charles, who now meets his gaze head on, who stops talking about his long list of concerns and simply says what he wants, and it's not a surprise by any means, but it's still something else to hear it said out loud. His breath stills, quiet, but his heart's leaping in his chest to counter the calm that shows in his expression, though it does little to quiet the yearning that practically pours from his gaze.
Erik's far from the epitome of self-control, really. Even less so when he knows his actions will be welcome, and his desire will be met. Charles is barely done saying the words before he's leaning in what little distance there still remains between them, locking their mouths together, free hand curling on Charles's nape, though he knows that encouragement to keep him close is far from necessary. ]
[ Charles is required to give a little more of a damn given his situation with his students and the people who look to him for guidance. It is already complicated to ask them to tolerate him and at least give him a chance to prove himself. It's another to try and explain how he's been insanely in love with this man since they met and Erik trying to kill everyone has not changed that in the slightest.
But Charles is rarely selfish, he always puts other people first, and maybe just this once, he can put what he wants first. And figure out the rest later. His heart is beating faster now that they're close, that it seems to finally be hurtling toward something they avoided all this time, but secretly desired. Erik's already on him by the time he finishes his sentence and he almost laughs, because yes, that is exactly how he feels. Like if he waits any more seconds before he gets to kiss him, he's going to go mad.
This isn't a slow exploration or testing the waters, the waters have been tested for over a damned decade. It's been a long time since Charles kissed anyone and he meets passion with passion, dragging fingers through Erik's hair, holding his face close so he can kiss him like nothing else in the world matters. That's how it feels right then. He'd never wanted anyone the way he wanted Erik, it was almost instant upon meeting him, this intense interest and fascination targeted in one person.
He only breaks for a moment so they can take in a breath before he's sweeping Erik in a second kiss, sweeping his tongue boldly into his mouth, making up for all this lost time that he's going to ignore. Anything holding him back is gone now. It's only them.]
[ No, Erik's actions haven't helped any in improving his own image, or Charles's stance among his X-Men. He can accept that easily. Granted that he has vowed to do his best to change that, but that may be just too little too late for the group of mutants here with them, from a future that's seen Erik go down a very bad path. He may not care about being liked or believed by them, but he certainly doesn't want to diminish their respect for Charles because of this.
Alas, reason may be out the window at this point, because after kissing Charles, he has a feeling that there is no force in the world that could convince him to stay away— with the exception of Charles changing his mind, but he seriously doubts that's going to happen, if the eagerness he feels from him is anything to go by.
Erik matches it with equal fervor, perhaps more so. He's reserved and restrained when it comes to this kind of intimacy, but with Charles everything feels different. He wants to let the dam break loose, and just hold him while the water rushes in, swallowing them up.
He knows he's not alone in that feeling either, when he feels the added intensity of that second kiss. He meets Charles halfway without a thought, tilting his head and parting his lips gladly when the contact deepens, a soft hum dragged from his lungs, fingers curling into Charles's hands while his other hand slides down his side, arm winding around his waist. There's no measure of close that would feel too close, right now. ]
Charles is currently unable to think about any consequences of his actions or anything at all really, outside of Erik. He always knew it would be like this if they ever gave in because nothing they've done has been calm or reasonable, they're so intense about each other. It's only their strict forced restraint that kept them from crashing into each other from the start, as they're both aware of now. Perhaps he would have been gentler if it was back then, the seduction far smoother, but enough time has passed.
Charles drops a hand to the couch but only so he can hoist himself up and move closer to Erik so they're up against each other. It takes a little more positioning than if he had his legs, where he probably would already be straddling the man in a completely insane sweep of passion, but he's content enough being pressed up against him and his heat. His hand goes right back to sliding over Erik's shoulder and hooking around to his nape.
He feels a little delirious with this wave of unbridled desire, something he's dampened down, and he's also unsure if he'd ever felt this before. No, probably not, because he's only been in love with one person. He slows the kiss down so he's less plundering Erik's mouth and now exploring him instead, making up for lost time.
It only stops because Charles is literally gasping for air, almost as if he intended to suffocate rather than pause, but he presses their foreheads together, sucking in deep breaths. ]
You have no idea how difficult it was not to do that since practically the moment we met. You're just so bloody attractive, I was dying to.
[ He can afford to give a compliment as his chest heaves and he nuzzles Erik's nose affectionately.]
[ Erik is intense about pretty much everything, all the more so about the things he cares about, but then Charles is just the same. It's absolutely no surprise that they throw themselves into this blindly, almost desperately. His arm winds tighter around Charles, holding him as close as he can manage to get to him, as much passion and desire for proximity there as he can feel from Charles himself.
That Charles can't physically straddle him is certainly not an impediment to them both getting lost in this moment, and Erik at least is very much ready to just go without breathing so they can keep kissing like they could just drown in each other. His head is light when the kiss breaks, and he definitely needs air in his lungs if his panting breaths are anything to go by, but he still chases after Charles's lips for another, lighter kiss, then another, his eyes closed as he finally relents. His arm is still looped firmly around Charles, though, and his fingers still brush through the length of Charles's hair. It needs a wash— briefly, it makes him wonder how long since Charles has bothered to look after himself. ]
I'm attractive? [ He chuckles softly, though he's self-aware enough to know that he is. It's just a new thing, hearing Charles say it out loud. He could stand to hear it a few more times. ] I was driven to distraction every time you smiled at me.
[ He still is. It just hasn't been as common a sight lately, especially before they reunited in this place. ]
[ They're pressed as tight as they can and he can feel Erik's body heat radiating close to him. He's tempted to put a hand on his chest so he can feel his heart beating fast, to know exactly what he's doing to him. One of his arms is now around Erik's neck and the other hand is digging into the front of his shirt, keeping him close. He returns the desperate additional kisses, completely out of breath by then but unable to stop. He leans into him.
If he knew he was going to seduce Erik, he would have actually taken the time to present himself better. He came right off the road, washed up just enough for it to be acceptable, and rolled over. Charles is in no way at his best but it didn't keep him from starting this. He doesn't take care of himself exceptionally well, but he might be willing to start. ]
I know. [ Charles says smugly and chuckles low in his throat.] It didn't take a mindreader, you smiled back.
[ And Erik is not a smiler. Charles was aware of that right away but he would shine a blinding smile at Erik and he'd be unable not to give one back to him. A genuine one, not his smirks or half-smiles, one that lit up his face, warmed his features. It was one of those things that made Charles know that there was something between them that was special.]
It's quite astonishing how much self-control I had not to get into your hotel bed every night on the road.
[ Charles certainly thought about it. They were in close quarters. He avoided times when he would be too tempted like Erik coming out of the shower. It was difficult for him. Luckily they'd usually get distracted by talking about the mutants they were recruiting or going over details so he wouldn't solely stare at Erik's mouth all night.
Charles kisses Erik's cheek and jaw, fingers sliding into his hair to tilt his head back and press his mouth against his long, beautiful neck.]
This is why I obsessed over the turtlenecks. [ A secret! Charles smiles into his neck, kissing more of it.] Just wanted to peel it back and have you.
[ For all that they are the kind of people who like to be prepared for things, evidently neither of them were quite counting on this to happen. Not now, at the very least, and Erik definitely didn't expect Charles to be this willing to have him this close so soon. It feels all the more overwhelming for it, as if his system hadn't quite prepared for this level of need and intensity, and it makes it that more difficult to really regulate his reactions.
Charles is not helping in the least. The way he holds onto him, even the low warmth in his voice when he speaks, the very blatant admission to what was on his mind all those nights they were traveling together. Not that Erik's mind wasn't there too, though he wasn't quite so bold as to think about going over to Charles's room himself. He mostly fantasized about Charles knocking on his door instead.
Maybe it shouldn't surprise him to hear Charles was thinking just the same, but it does. It makes his whole body heat up all the more as those thoughts flood his mind as if they never left, and when Charles tips his head back and drags his lips down his throat, the sound that leaves his mouth is a very distinct and undeniable moan, cut short though it seems to only morph into the next word he manages to utter. ]
Charles— [ That's a little less of a moan, but there's a warm, shuddered quality to the way he says the name that really seems like it's slipping out of his control. His hands grasp Charles's shirt tightly, and he swallows the lump in his throat, eyes closing for a moment. ] You really should stop right now.
[ Because otherwise he's going to have a big (emphasis on big) problem, and he doesn't want to find out how mortified he'd be to have to go elsewhere right now to... take care of that. ]
[ Charles is playing with fire and yes there will always be an undercurrent of frustration because what he wants is different from what he can have. He feels desire and want and need and it doesn't lead anywhere specifically for him. But maybe that doesn't have to be the end of the conversation. It isn't perfect, like they could have had if they gave into their desires in the past, but it doesn't have to be the tragic end of it either.
That is what he's thinking when Erik moans his name and his breath catches, what an incredible sound he never thought would grace his ears. Perhaps he should be holding onto his anger and righteousness longer but it clearly is not of interest to him, not compared to the way Erik grips his shirt. In his fantasies in the past, it was always him coming to Erik's room, knocking on his door, slipping into his bed. Or inviting him, but Charles did make the first move, in his mind and apparently now in reality too.
Any fears he might have had about not being desirable are definitely gone now. Erik is radiating desire. It's bleeding through him and Charles can feel it with how much skin is touching.]
Sex was always complicated for me with my gifts. [ Charles speaks against Erik's neck, kissing down the line of his throat.] I had to work hard to stay out of their mind and not project my desires.
[ Charles loved sex and he had plenty of it in his younger days, but it is one of the many ways he had to refine his control over. It didn't always work, he did feed off their want as much as his own, but he didn't slip into their mind and speak to them, or project anything. He's never been with someone who knew what he was and what he could do. His lips slide back up Erik's neck to his strong jaw, the full line of it, and to his ear.]
I can't, Erik, but you can. And I wonder what it would be like, to use them with intention.
[ His voice is quiet and warm against Erik's ear, his hand sliding down Erik's shirt to place hot fingers on Erik's thigh, slipping closer to the inside of it.]
If I could feel it through you.
[ Charles has never explored. It seems possible for the first time. He pulls his head back, looking at Erik.]
With your permission, of course. Don't let me seduce you against your will.
[ Somewhere in their rear view mirror there was a limit, some line that maybe they should have been more cautious about crossing, but clearly neither of them give much of a damn about that right now. Charles dove straight into this with an eagerness and need that Erik admittedly wasn't quite prepared for, but he's honestly glad to be lost to this particular tide, even if he's struggling to even keep afloat.
But no, Charles's limitations don't change how he feels in the slightest, they certainly don't affect his attraction or arousal. He just doesn't want to place Charles in an uncomfortable situation that could quickly turn awkward for the both of them.
Charles doesn't stop, though, which is only making matters worse. Better? Undecided. Erik keeps his eyes closed, focused on his own paced breathing, fingers clutching Charles's shirt, his own head tilting so he can nuzzle closer to his shoulder without moving too much. He rather likes those lips where they are, after all.
When Charles suggests using his powers for something like this, Erik pulls back. He doesn't know why he'd never thought of the possibility, how it didn't occur to him even now. When Charles leans away, so does he, gaze studying those features for a moment before he lets out a soft, and genuinely amused chuckle. ]
Against my will?
[ Right, clearly Erik wants none of this, look at how absolutely reluctant he is about the road they've gone down on. Even the way his breath catches in his throat when that hand inches far too close to the slight bulge in his trousers is clearly so ambiguous, his own hand resting on Charles's forearm more of a gentle tug than a hold trying to keep him in place. ]
If that's what you want, then that's what I want.
[ He wants Charles's comfort to be placed above anything else. This is new territory for them both in a lot of ways, and while Erik's more than willing to try whatever Charles thinks might work for him, he also would rather avoid any sense of inadequacy just because they can't be with each other the same way most other people might. ]
Well I did surprise seduce you, Erik. If you had hesitations about it, or about telepathy being involved with it, you could say so.
[ Charles is swept away in the pleasure of it all, yes, but he's also reasonable.]
I didn't come here with this in mind, or I would have attempted to look and smell nicer.
[ It's romantic though, isn't it? Being caught in it so intensely that reasonableness fell by the wayside. For someone like Charles it is exactly that, because he always thinks through everything intensely. He never acts impulsively, that is an Erik thing, not Charles. This would be logical reasons for them to stop and slow down, but he is being reckless and drunk on Erik's desire and finally getting his damn hands on him.
This could easily become awkward as they figure out how it even works, but the fear of how that could go wrong isn't quite enough to stop him from wanting it. He's trying not to get in his head in the wrong way, and it's why his hands are still on Erik, why he's still close to him, in his embrace, unwilling to be scared off.
Charles leans in to kiss him again, this time slower and more sensual, keeping his hand on his thigh and squeezing, fingers caressing the inner part through Erik's pants. His other hand runs through Erik's hair again, letting the kiss unfurl for them as if they aren't in as much of an intense hurry. They seem to be on the same page about this, and if they are, they don't have to act like it'll go away in a moment's notice. It's how he felt at the beginning, but now with a potential idea in mind, it feels more secure.]
I have my limitations and we'll find a way to work around them. But for now please take off your shirt.
[ So very polite about it even now. He pulls away instead of kissing him so he can in fact take off the shirt. Charles has waited for a chance to really touch him and there is no better time than the present. He thinks it is only fair in this case to do the same. He has no intention of taking the rest off, but he wouldn't mind feeling Erik's fingers on his skin.
He slowly unbuttons his shirt, having to remove his hands off Erik for now to do so. There may be a touch of shyness now that he is.]
If I had any hesitations whatsoever, then you would know.
[ Charles knows him well enough to know that he wouldn't just stay silent or do anything he wasn't completely sure he wanted. He also could have found a way to direct their conversation elsewhere, or not sat next to Charles to begin with. It's not as if he was some innocent falling prey to Charles's charms. That Charles is even worried about that is kind of funny to him.
The chuckle he lets out is more in response to Charles's concern about his looks. He shrugs, one hand moving up to play with the ends of his hair. ]
You look perfect to me.
[ He would be inclined to agree that there is something especially romantic and exciting about how it all went down, no planning or an expectation of what would happen. It was all impulse, passion and an inevitability that they would crash into one another, any other way that it could have happened it would not have felt quite like them.
Erik folds into the kiss again, head tilting and lips parted, a soft hum when he feels the squeeze of Charles's fingers on his leg. His hand slips down from Charles's hair, tracing the curve of his neck, fingers just barely dipping beneath the collar of his shirt, lingering for a moment there even as they break away.
His lips curl in amusement at that 'please', but he does as told without hesitation or even a trace of shyness. His sweater is far easier to get rid of, and he pulls it off and tosses it aside with little care, then reaches out to rest his hands over Charles's. A gentle tug, as he leans in to press a quick peck to the corner of his lips. ]
Let me.
[ He resumes where Charles stopped, undoing the remaining buttons, leaning in to plant a trail of kisses down Charles's neck, over the curve of his shoulder, following the path that his shirt takes while Erik's hands slowly guide the fabric down his arms. ]
[ Charles can be a strong personality and Erik has been easily compelled by him before. Not enough for them to stay together or for the bad things between them not to happen, but to put it plainly, Charles is dominating. He has no doubt Erik would tell him if he felt otherwise, but he might be swept up in it too, more so than he expected. Charles still feels like some kind of communication is important so Erik can confirm it's fine and they can both move past it. Sometimes he needs those extra steps to allay his own concerns, a quirk.
He supposes there is a world where they did all this proper and he asked Erik on a date first, but really, it's not them. They can do that later. Being so intense about each other has been them since day one, it's why they had to work so hard at keeping this from happening in the past. Any moment between them could have turned sexual. It feels natural, how this happened, natural enough that Charles is not second-guessing it.
He likes Erik's fingers on him, sliding into his hair, he wants them all over his bare skin. Charles may not be able to physically harden but his body is very sensitive and hasn't been touched or kissed in well over a decade. It will still make him feel good and wanted. His mouth practically waters when Erik takes off his shirt. All those perfect lines. Charles is eager to touch him so he lets Erik take over undoing his shirt so he can slide his fingers over his broad shoulders, running them down the front of his chest.]
God you're beautiful.
[ Erik will not have to wonder what Charles thinks of him physically. The block is off now, he is going to shower him with compliments. He tilts his head back to let Erik kiss his skin, it sends a shiver through him, and he briefly stops touching Erik to get the shirt off him. He's slender these days, skinnier than he ever was in the past, due to lack of care for himself then and frankly, here too.
Charles's hands are back on him in a minute, caressing over Erik's chest and down his torso, fingers undoing his belt in a very forward and suggestive way. Then Erik can feel Charles sliding into his mind, caressing across it in much the same way.]
[ Oh, he can certainly be convincing, but this is not something Erik would leap into unless he was absolutely sure he wanted it. Granted, he is far more impulsive than Charles, though at the moment they seem to be about on the same level of that particular scale— he doesn't particularly mind. If anything he finds it all the more arousing just how eager Charles is to throw caution out the window. Consequences be damned.
Just because Charles might not feel his touch everywhere isn't going to stop Erik touching him. He's wanted too long, and he adores the sounds he makes, even the quietest breaths halting on his throat. He lets out a soft, appreciative hum of his own as Charles's hands move across his skin, teeth just barely dragging over the curve of a shoulder, then his mouth goes back up to Charles's jaw as his touch trails lower on his stomach, taking immediate hold of his belt. He would laugh if he weren't so incredibly turned on right now. Charles really is not wasting time here, is he?
Erik has never been shy about his looks, certainly not about his body, though there is admittedly something about exposing himself like this to Charles, of all people. He wouldn't call it embarrassment, though, far from it. Sitting back a little so he can do away with his trousers leaves him meeting Charles's gaze head on again, his eyes dragging slowly down his lithe frame. Not that Erik's especially built, mind, though the past few months of physical work have clearly made some difference.
Underwear goes with the trousers, since it hardly makes sense to waste time with that. Perhaps Charles won't be very surprised by how big he is, but he still watches because he does tend to get some... well, interesting reactions. He's already half hard from just the touching so far (and Charles's words have definitely helped), but it's clear that he can still grow bigger. ]
Let me take you to bed.
[ Just because they're approaching intimacy in a different sense doesn't mean they can't still be comfortable. Personally Erik would rather have Charles as close to him as physically possible. ]
[ Now that they've spun this far, Charles has no intention of going backwards. He doesn't want to stop, he doesn't want to be reasonable or logical about this, or talk about doing this proper and taking their time. Absolutely no more wasted time is acceptable to him. They can think about this after the wave of lust and need wears off and their brains return enough to talk. It's not as if they need to discuss what this is or what they are. That comes with the territory, but there are some things he plans to say. After. Not any time soon. Not with Erik's mouth on his skin.
Erik does not have to be shy about his looks. To Charles he's always been the most handsome man he's ever met, a most obnoxious quality given how it ended up, but that's not for now. He was a temptation to Charles with several layers of clothes on, naked he would have been lost. He holds Erik's gaze when Erik intentionally looks at him and lets his eyes then travel over Erik's body in open admiration once it's freed.
He wets his lips with his tongue when he gets to finally look at him and damned if he isn't impressed. He isn't surprised but perhaps a little disappointed he won't be able to fully appreciate sitting on him like he used to imagine. But he'll take what he gets.]
It's a good thing for our self-control I never saw you, I would have made it ten minutes.
[ Maybe he should have though, maybe he was a damned fool. But there is no turning back the clock. Erik's his right now. The request for bed is something he understands, having their first time on the couch isn't ideal. The way it is framed makes him consider, but Charles's pride rears its head. He isn't in a mood to be carried right then, although perhaps another time, when he's less sensitive about it. He reaches out to pull Erik into a series of small but lingering kisses, tempted to stay there just to keep it, but he agrees with him.
Charles uses his arms to pull himself back to the side of the couch where his wheelchair is and he pushes off into it. Perhaps being carried would be more romantic, but he doesn't mind getting to the bed this way. And it is for the best he has it next to the bed for when he needs to get up later. He pushes up onto the bed easily enough and gets to look at Erik when he joins him; seeing him fully naked walking there is delightful for his eyes.]
That is impressive equipment you have, my dear, I'd like to get my mouth on it.
[ Erik will find that Charles is loquacious in all aspects.]
[ Of the two, Erik is the far more impetuous one, so if Charles isn't going to be cautious about his approach, it would be silly to expect Erik to be. Besides, it feels like they're well past the point of that particular discussion by the time Erik's down to wearing nothing at all and sporting the clear beginnings of an erection.
He likes this, though. How Charles just leapt into this head first, for all the caution that he showed earlier in trusting Erik again, in letting him close. He's still not entirely sure that he's deserving of that trust, or of this place beside him, but if anything he's all the more committed now to prove to Charles (and more importantly, to himself) that he can be better. ]
Then that would have made two of us.
[ Erik would not have lasted five seconds if Charles had lunged himself at him the way he's doing now, honestly. So ten minutes actually sounds pretty damn impressive to Erik.
He did absolutely mean that he wanted to carry Charles to bed, but somehow it doesn't surprise him at all that he opts to use the chair to get himself there, his eyes rolling while Charles can't see it. Yes, while completely naked in the middle of the room. He feels like he's going to have many a disagreement with Charles's pride, but maybe this isn't the hill he wants to die on right now, and he doesn't want to ruin the mood that has settled between them, so he lets it go.
He waits until Charles has moved to the bed, making his way over, giving him ample time to look all he likes. He seems to like a lot, and Erik for one adores the heat that pools in his stomach from just feeling the weight of that gaze on him.
He can't help a surprised little sound at those words, however, a small smile as he ducks his head to the side for a moment. Shockingly, Charles manages to get just a hint of bashfulness from him. ]
Christ, Charles.
[ He climbs onto the bed, knee sunk into the mattress, shifting close enough to kiss him again. Lingering, but soft, and broken well before it even deepens. ]
I think we can arrange for that.
[ If it's what Charles wants, and he wouldn't be bringing it up if he didn't. Erik is not some fucking idiot, either. Not even in his wildest fantasies did Charles's mouth on his cock make it to the top of his list, but he sure as hell would love to have it there, so. ]
[ Charles is a menace, if he was let off his leash back then, he would have seduced Erik in less than ten minutes and then they wouldn't have gotten anything done. They both chose to be good but he has no reason to be good anymore. He is going to get a thorough taste of this man and enjoy every second of it. Perhaps there are reasons not to but he has fully forgotten it at this point. Looking at Erik naked would put the thoughts out of anyone's mind, in his opinion.
He is stubborn about the carrying this time but he'll likely give in later on. His hangups aren't going to be gone that easily, which is why he hasn't taken his pants off and has no intention of doing so. He doesn't like looking down and seeing nothing in a general way, it bothers him, but to do that in this particular context will upset him. He already feels the lack and is choosing to focus on what they can have together instead.
Charles grins at him ear-to-ear after his blatant come-on and Erik looking bloody bashful about it. Adorable. He wouldn't say anything that he didn't mean and he reaches out to playfully gesture with his hands for Erik to come closer. Close enough to kiss, to trail his fingers over his shoulders.]
Yes, in a moment. Lie next to me on your side like this.
[ Like Charles said, he has some limitations that he's working around to what won't embarrass him or make things awkward. He moves onto his side and tugs Erik down with him. When Erik does as he says he snuggles in close to him, running fingers through his hair, caressing a hand along the long length of his back. He slips back into his mind and leans in to kiss him deeply, getting back into their hot and heavy embrace. He will move down eventually but for now he's letting them enjoy this.
His hand slides up Erik's chest and he brushes his fingers against his nipple, moaning into his mouth as for the first time he feels exactly as Erik does.]
[ There are few things Erik would insist on, at the moment. He was not even anticipating this happening, certainly not today, and of the two, quite honestly, Charles if far likelier to have stipulations or boundaries that he doesn't want to cross. On the other hand, he cannot overstate just how few limits he has on what he would be willing to do, or what he would like to have. He'd rather have carried Charles to bed himself; he also would rather have him completely naked in bed; but if these aren't things Charles is comfortable with, then they're not things Erik's going to press on. There will be time, hopefully, to talk about all of that down the road.
He doesn't need much coaxing to get on the bed, climbing on and settling down beside Charles. His hand rests on a hip but soon moves up to his waist, fingers splayed out as he touches as much skin as he can reach. He delves into the kiss again, humming into his mouth, his other hand moving to Charles's neck, thumb tracing over his jaw.
He feels Charles's presence in his head again, though it's becoming more and more common, in the sense that it doesn't surprise him much when he slips in there as if he belongs. At this point, it certainly feels like he does. What is more surprising is the sound that leaves Charles when those fingers ghost across his nipple.
It works as a feedback loop; Charles feels his pleasure, and Erik in turn is all the more aroused by that reaction, the spill of heat in his mind coming from Charles, even just that moan making the hair on his nape stand on end, cock hardening from that alone. His hand on Charles's side squeezes harder, and he gasps quietly, the kiss barely breaking before he's pushing deeper into it. ]
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It's not an old wound, or a scar they're cutting open again. They've been bleeding for ten years and maybe this isn't the place to tending to it, but there is no other place, and Erik doesn't want to wait for a better time.
Maybe neither does Charles. Hopefully, if he's bringing this up at all to begin with. ]
So did I.
[ Briefly, vaguely, though he didn't completely let go of his goal to kill Shaw. Even when he didn't know whether Charles would just accept him by his side after he did something like that, he still held onto the belief that they would have time after that. After he was done.
When was he ever done, though? Raven herself said that to him. Killing one man was never enough, for him.
That's just one of the many reasons why he's trying to find a different path. Pull away from a future that (hopefully) they managed to change. He wants to be done. ]
I didn't even know if I was ever going to see you again. [ His voice cracks at the tail end of those words, and he has to look away, jaw clenched for a moment. ] But I hoped...
[ He lets out a quiet chuckle at that, because hope was always Charles's thing, never Erik's. ]
I hoped that things might be different, after everything. I don't know if they would be different for us, but. Maybe that, too.
[ Either way, he wouldn't want Charles to live the rest of his life like that, holding onto something they never quite took a chance on. If Erik truly succeeds in finding a new path for himself, then the future could be anything. ]
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The joy he felt during that time was what made it so terrible when it was gone, what broke him in ways that he still hasn't picked up the pieces of. Eventually the school works out, and he will feel happiness again, and purpose, and that hope that keeps him going. It's not as if misery was his company forever. But it doesn't change that in this way, his heart was closed forever.]
You didn't seem to have my problem of never moving on. [ He says with some amount of, let's face it, seething jealousy.] You were in a relationship with my sister.
[ Whether he was jealous of one of them more than the other, who knows, only that they had each other and he had nothing. But probably a part of him will hold onto the bitterness that the only person he ever loved moved on to the person he loved most. It's not a pretty side of him, admittedly, but it may as well be out in the open since everything else is.]
You don't know how that felt. To be replaced, by both of you, to be abandoned, by both of you.
[ Charles shouted it at Erik when they saw one another again, but this is on a much more personal level. This is with the understanding between them now that he is talking about the fact he was in love with Erik and it was more serious than just the loss of his companionship. He's not bringing it up to cycle the same feelings, it's specific to the feelings he's discussing right now. Charles sounds more emotional now too, rubbing a hand across his face. ]
You manage to move on just fine from me while I am pathetic imagining something I couldn't have.
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We didn't have a relationship. We were barely together.
[ It's been almost ten years, for Erik. But whatever they had was brief, not serious, and looking back on it now, Erik realises that he was just using her as a poor replacement. It's harsh but it's the cold truth, that Raven was the closest Erik had to the memories of Charles, and he placed her in an impossible situation, where he wanted her close but still pushed her away, and it only led to another fractured relationship, another bridge he burned.
But it's all semantics, and he knows that. For Charles, anyway. From his perspective it must have hurt more than Erik can begin to imagine, and he hears it again, Charles yelling at him about how he had abandoned him, and he took Raven too. He was right then, he's right now. ]
I placed her in an impossible position. I know she regretted joining me. Resented me for it, I'm sure. I held onto her because she was the last piece of you I had. It wasn't right.
[ And it didn't take long at all for them both to realise that there was really nothing there, nothing that even remotely compared to what he had with Charles. Or rather, what he never got to have with Charles. ]
I dealt with it all differently than you, but that doesn't mean that I moved on. I'm never going to move on from you.
[ Not completely. He just figures out new ways to survive, because that's all he's ever known. ]
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Charles doesn't know what he wanted to hear there. That it was beautiful and important to both of them? A serious relationship that just didn't work out? Or that it was nothing at all, a mistake. And what it was, in the end, which he already suspected, but it doesn't feel good all the same. Anyone would be lucky to have her, he told Raven when they were still together, and he meant it. He was very supportive of her and Hank. Erik was a curveball for him. He'd never blame Raven though, she can do no wrong even now.
He isn't sure if he believes Erik, which is part of the problem. He also knows Erik is telling the truth, that he never bothers to lie with Charles because he'd know either way. But it's difficult for him, he's not the arrogant young man he was. His self-esteem has taken a few heavy hits. It's gotten better since seeing his students here, but that doesn't taken into account how he feels as a man. If he sees himself as desirable.
Blue eyes are sharp as they rest on Erik's face and they dip to his lips in not even a semblance of subtly, before flickering back to his gaze. He wants. God how he wants. But.]
You know that I can't, yes? I'm not ... capable. Physically, at least.
[ Humiliating fact for him, paralyzed as he is. It would always have been a struggle to get into a relationship after that, with all his mixed feelings attached. Charles has fair skin and he flushes red where the beard isn't covering. ]
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It's an added layer of grief now, talking about this after Raven's just left this place. He doesn't know if it helps Charles in dealing with losing her yet again, but it was a necessary conversation, and something that was obviously weighing heavily in Charles's mind.
The subject of Charles's sister comes and goes just as quickly. Probably a good thing, considering where his gaze lands, and by the time Charles speaks again, Raven is most definitely out of Erik's mind.
He's still going to need a few seconds to make sure he's understanding that right, don't mind him. ]
You can't possibly think I care about that.
[ He would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy sex, but there are a great many forms of intimacy, physical and otherwise, and even when they didn't so much as kiss before, his connection with Charles was still the most intense and intimate he's ever had. It doesn't matter to him if Charles has other limitations— which at this point, Erik's fairly sure he's bringing up for a very specific reason.
So he reaches out to rest a hand over Charles's, more than enough to get his attention, fingertips brushing over his knuckles. ]
Charles.
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He won't be able to get absolution from Raven. He has to set that aside. This is difficult enough as it is. Charles sighs and rubs his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, as if ready to stave off a headache. It's actually about staving off heartache and the many layers of how this is not going to be easy. He started this. ]
Maybe I care about that.
[ Charles still feels lust and desire and want. He also longs for the intimacy they used to have, and those aspects to it are certainly there. It's not impossible, not with his mind, but he's bringing it up because it does matter to him. This is all thorny territory. Walking wasn't the only thing that medication gave back to him temporarily, not that he took advantage. He's just saying that it's not as simple as Erik not caring.
He lets Erik touch his other hand, dropping the one on his face, and after a tentative moment, he turns his hand so it's palm up. He curls his fingers around Erik's and just allows himself that for a moment.]
I'm torn. [ Charles looks at him directly.] Between being tired of us waiting forever and missing our chances, and whether this is any wiser than it would have been then.
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I could stand to make a few more unwise decisions.
[ Maybe ones with fewer awful repercussions. He's made enough mistakes, he thinks. Maybe this would not be wise, but it definitely wouldn't be a mistake. To him, at least, he can't speak for Charles. After everything, he wouldn't blame him for thinking of it that way, at least partly.
The tentative touch of his fingers shifts into more of a hold when Charles turns his hand, thumb hooked around his fingers, still brushing against the back of them. He's reminded of when Charles gave him back his memories. He held his hand then too, in this very room. He wouldn't mind getting used to this. ]
What do you want to do, then?
[ Because Charles was the one bringing all of this up to begin with, and Erik's been careful to only ever meet him where his comfort level is. He was even prepared for them to never address this to begin with, honestly. Maybe Raven's departure also played a part in pushing Charles to talking about it. ]
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[ Charles says very dryly. Erik's made plenty of mistakes, which they both know, and have gone over, and understand. Charles is not without fault, but he does believe that Erik won't be trying to kill him or his team any time soon. His concern with Erik is his instinctive responses, not his logical ones. But there is not much logic where this is concerned. This is all to do with feelings.
The few times they've touched since the old days have left imprints on him. Tiny brushes of their fingers that first day, a touch on Erik's temple, a gentle caress of his face when he was upset during the mannequin. Every move is deliberate but shy too. They've played a lot of one step forward two steps back, and that will remain true for them in the years ahead, and none of that matters now. What does he want now?]
I'm telling myself I shouldn't because you could disappear tomorrow. That I shouldn't because my X-Men still fear you. That this could ruin what peace we've managed to make between us. That I'll never get to be certain Raven understood.
[ These are Charles's fears realized and bluntly spoken. They're honest with each other, it's what they do. These are good reasons not to do anything, all very rational and valid. He can barely explain to people why they're friends let alone that they're something else. It puts him in a very awkward position as a person of influence. He doesn't know if it would hurt more, having this and losing it, or never letting himself have it.]
But god, Erik, a part of me truly doesn't give a damn.
[ The part of him that is Charles Xavier, the one Erik knew and loved, who would throw his heart into everything and anything. He would take care of people and had a open heart, and whether it was arrogance or innocence, his brightness drew people to him. These facts are the mind of someone more experienced and beaten down by life.
Charles reaches out with his other hand to cup Erik's face, his touch light and then solid, running his thumb along Erik's cheekbone. His eyes are fixed on Erik's, gaze meeting gaze, and there is something reckless curling in the base of his stomach.]
I want you to finally, finally, kiss me, Erik.
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Luckily, all of that couldn't be farther from his mind than at this precise moment, with Charles's hand in his, those blue eyes locked with his own, even the lilt in each of Charles's words making his insides twist in strange but pleasant ways.
A part of him doesn't give a damn? That's funny, because all of Erik himself does not give a damn. He does fully understand the complications that will follow them taking this step, but he wants it more than he worries about all of those things— and quite frankly, he doesn't give a fuck how the X-Men feel about him, only Charles.
Charles, who now meets his gaze head on, who stops talking about his long list of concerns and simply says what he wants, and it's not a surprise by any means, but it's still something else to hear it said out loud. His breath stills, quiet, but his heart's leaping in his chest to counter the calm that shows in his expression, though it does little to quiet the yearning that practically pours from his gaze.
Erik's far from the epitome of self-control, really. Even less so when he knows his actions will be welcome, and his desire will be met. Charles is barely done saying the words before he's leaning in what little distance there still remains between them, locking their mouths together, free hand curling on Charles's nape, though he knows that encouragement to keep him close is far from necessary. ]
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But Charles is rarely selfish, he always puts other people first, and maybe just this once, he can put what he wants first. And figure out the rest later. His heart is beating faster now that they're close, that it seems to finally be hurtling toward something they avoided all this time, but secretly desired. Erik's already on him by the time he finishes his sentence and he almost laughs, because yes, that is exactly how he feels. Like if he waits any more seconds before he gets to kiss him, he's going to go mad.
This isn't a slow exploration or testing the waters, the waters have been tested for over a damned decade. It's been a long time since Charles kissed anyone and he meets passion with passion, dragging fingers through Erik's hair, holding his face close so he can kiss him like nothing else in the world matters. That's how it feels right then. He'd never wanted anyone the way he wanted Erik, it was almost instant upon meeting him, this intense interest and fascination targeted in one person.
He only breaks for a moment so they can take in a breath before he's sweeping Erik in a second kiss, sweeping his tongue boldly into his mouth, making up for all this lost time that he's going to ignore. Anything holding him back is gone now. It's only them.]
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Alas, reason may be out the window at this point, because after kissing Charles, he has a feeling that there is no force in the world that could convince him to stay away— with the exception of Charles changing his mind, but he seriously doubts that's going to happen, if the eagerness he feels from him is anything to go by.
Erik matches it with equal fervor, perhaps more so. He's reserved and restrained when it comes to this kind of intimacy, but with Charles everything feels different. He wants to let the dam break loose, and just hold him while the water rushes in, swallowing them up.
He knows he's not alone in that feeling either, when he feels the added intensity of that second kiss. He meets Charles halfway without a thought, tilting his head and parting his lips gladly when the contact deepens, a soft hum dragged from his lungs, fingers curling into Charles's hands while his other hand slides down his side, arm winding around his waist. There's no measure of close that would feel too close, right now. ]
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Charles drops a hand to the couch but only so he can hoist himself up and move closer to Erik so they're up against each other. It takes a little more positioning than if he had his legs, where he probably would already be straddling the man in a completely insane sweep of passion, but he's content enough being pressed up against him and his heat. His hand goes right back to sliding over Erik's shoulder and hooking around to his nape.
He feels a little delirious with this wave of unbridled desire, something he's dampened down, and he's also unsure if he'd ever felt this before. No, probably not, because he's only been in love with one person. He slows the kiss down so he's less plundering Erik's mouth and now exploring him instead, making up for lost time.
It only stops because Charles is literally gasping for air, almost as if he intended to suffocate rather than pause, but he presses their foreheads together, sucking in deep breaths. ]
You have no idea how difficult it was not to do that since practically the moment we met. You're just so bloody attractive, I was dying to.
[ He can afford to give a compliment as his chest heaves and he nuzzles Erik's nose affectionately.]
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That Charles can't physically straddle him is certainly not an impediment to them both getting lost in this moment, and Erik at least is very much ready to just go without breathing so they can keep kissing like they could just drown in each other. His head is light when the kiss breaks, and he definitely needs air in his lungs if his panting breaths are anything to go by, but he still chases after Charles's lips for another, lighter kiss, then another, his eyes closed as he finally relents. His arm is still looped firmly around Charles, though, and his fingers still brush through the length of Charles's hair. It needs a wash— briefly, it makes him wonder how long since Charles has bothered to look after himself. ]
I'm attractive? [ He chuckles softly, though he's self-aware enough to know that he is. It's just a new thing, hearing Charles say it out loud. He could stand to hear it a few more times. ] I was driven to distraction every time you smiled at me.
[ He still is. It just hasn't been as common a sight lately, especially before they reunited in this place. ]
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If he knew he was going to seduce Erik, he would have actually taken the time to present himself better. He came right off the road, washed up just enough for it to be acceptable, and rolled over. Charles is in no way at his best but it didn't keep him from starting this. He doesn't take care of himself exceptionally well, but he might be willing to start. ]
I know. [ Charles says smugly and chuckles low in his throat.] It didn't take a mindreader, you smiled back.
[ And Erik is not a smiler. Charles was aware of that right away but he would shine a blinding smile at Erik and he'd be unable not to give one back to him. A genuine one, not his smirks or half-smiles, one that lit up his face, warmed his features. It was one of those things that made Charles know that there was something between them that was special.]
It's quite astonishing how much self-control I had not to get into your hotel bed every night on the road.
[ Charles certainly thought about it. They were in close quarters. He avoided times when he would be too tempted like Erik coming out of the shower. It was difficult for him. Luckily they'd usually get distracted by talking about the mutants they were recruiting or going over details so he wouldn't solely stare at Erik's mouth all night.
Charles kisses Erik's cheek and jaw, fingers sliding into his hair to tilt his head back and press his mouth against his long, beautiful neck.]
This is why I obsessed over the turtlenecks. [ A secret! Charles smiles into his neck, kissing more of it.] Just wanted to peel it back and have you.
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Charles is not helping in the least. The way he holds onto him, even the low warmth in his voice when he speaks, the very blatant admission to what was on his mind all those nights they were traveling together. Not that Erik's mind wasn't there too, though he wasn't quite so bold as to think about going over to Charles's room himself. He mostly fantasized about Charles knocking on his door instead.
Maybe it shouldn't surprise him to hear Charles was thinking just the same, but it does. It makes his whole body heat up all the more as those thoughts flood his mind as if they never left, and when Charles tips his head back and drags his lips down his throat, the sound that leaves his mouth is a very distinct and undeniable moan, cut short though it seems to only morph into the next word he manages to utter. ]
Charles— [ That's a little less of a moan, but there's a warm, shuddered quality to the way he says the name that really seems like it's slipping out of his control. His hands grasp Charles's shirt tightly, and he swallows the lump in his throat, eyes closing for a moment. ] You really should stop right now.
[ Because otherwise he's going to have a big (emphasis on big) problem, and he doesn't want to find out how mortified he'd be to have to go elsewhere right now to... take care of that. ]
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That is what he's thinking when Erik moans his name and his breath catches, what an incredible sound he never thought would grace his ears. Perhaps he should be holding onto his anger and righteousness longer but it clearly is not of interest to him, not compared to the way Erik grips his shirt. In his fantasies in the past, it was always him coming to Erik's room, knocking on his door, slipping into his bed. Or inviting him, but Charles did make the first move, in his mind and apparently now in reality too.
Any fears he might have had about not being desirable are definitely gone now. Erik is radiating desire. It's bleeding through him and Charles can feel it with how much skin is touching.]
Sex was always complicated for me with my gifts. [ Charles speaks against Erik's neck, kissing down the line of his throat.] I had to work hard to stay out of their mind and not project my desires.
[ Charles loved sex and he had plenty of it in his younger days, but it is one of the many ways he had to refine his control over. It didn't always work, he did feed off their want as much as his own, but he didn't slip into their mind and speak to them, or project anything. He's never been with someone who knew what he was and what he could do. His lips slide back up Erik's neck to his strong jaw, the full line of it, and to his ear.]
I can't, Erik, but you can. And I wonder what it would be like, to use them with intention.
[ His voice is quiet and warm against Erik's ear, his hand sliding down Erik's shirt to place hot fingers on Erik's thigh, slipping closer to the inside of it.]
If I could feel it through you.
[ Charles has never explored. It seems possible for the first time. He pulls his head back, looking at Erik.]
With your permission, of course. Don't let me seduce you against your will.
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But no, Charles's limitations don't change how he feels in the slightest, they certainly don't affect his attraction or arousal. He just doesn't want to place Charles in an uncomfortable situation that could quickly turn awkward for the both of them.
Charles doesn't stop, though, which is only making matters worse. Better? Undecided. Erik keeps his eyes closed, focused on his own paced breathing, fingers clutching Charles's shirt, his own head tilting so he can nuzzle closer to his shoulder without moving too much. He rather likes those lips where they are, after all.
When Charles suggests using his powers for something like this, Erik pulls back. He doesn't know why he'd never thought of the possibility, how it didn't occur to him even now. When Charles leans away, so does he, gaze studying those features for a moment before he lets out a soft, and genuinely amused chuckle. ]
Against my will?
[ Right, clearly Erik wants none of this, look at how absolutely reluctant he is about the road they've gone down on. Even the way his breath catches in his throat when that hand inches far too close to the slight bulge in his trousers is clearly so ambiguous, his own hand resting on Charles's forearm more of a gentle tug than a hold trying to keep him in place. ]
If that's what you want, then that's what I want.
[ He wants Charles's comfort to be placed above anything else. This is new territory for them both in a lot of ways, and while Erik's more than willing to try whatever Charles thinks might work for him, he also would rather avoid any sense of inadequacy just because they can't be with each other the same way most other people might. ]
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[ Charles is swept away in the pleasure of it all, yes, but he's also reasonable.]
I didn't come here with this in mind, or I would have attempted to look and smell nicer.
[ It's romantic though, isn't it? Being caught in it so intensely that reasonableness fell by the wayside. For someone like Charles it is exactly that, because he always thinks through everything intensely. He never acts impulsively, that is an Erik thing, not Charles. This would be logical reasons for them to stop and slow down, but he is being reckless and drunk on Erik's desire and finally getting his damn hands on him.
This could easily become awkward as they figure out how it even works, but the fear of how that could go wrong isn't quite enough to stop him from wanting it. He's trying not to get in his head in the wrong way, and it's why his hands are still on Erik, why he's still close to him, in his embrace, unwilling to be scared off.
Charles leans in to kiss him again, this time slower and more sensual, keeping his hand on his thigh and squeezing, fingers caressing the inner part through Erik's pants. His other hand runs through Erik's hair again, letting the kiss unfurl for them as if they aren't in as much of an intense hurry. They seem to be on the same page about this, and if they are, they don't have to act like it'll go away in a moment's notice. It's how he felt at the beginning, but now with a potential idea in mind, it feels more secure.]
I have my limitations and we'll find a way to work around them. But for now please take off your shirt.
[ So very polite about it even now. He pulls away instead of kissing him so he can in fact take off the shirt. Charles has waited for a chance to really touch him and there is no better time than the present. He thinks it is only fair in this case to do the same. He has no intention of taking the rest off, but he wouldn't mind feeling Erik's fingers on his skin.
He slowly unbuttons his shirt, having to remove his hands off Erik for now to do so. There may be a touch of shyness now that he is.]
I haven't done this in a long time.
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[ Charles knows him well enough to know that he wouldn't just stay silent or do anything he wasn't completely sure he wanted. He also could have found a way to direct their conversation elsewhere, or not sat next to Charles to begin with. It's not as if he was some innocent falling prey to Charles's charms. That Charles is even worried about that is kind of funny to him.
The chuckle he lets out is more in response to Charles's concern about his looks. He shrugs, one hand moving up to play with the ends of his hair. ]
You look perfect to me.
[ He would be inclined to agree that there is something especially romantic and exciting about how it all went down, no planning or an expectation of what would happen. It was all impulse, passion and an inevitability that they would crash into one another, any other way that it could have happened it would not have felt quite like them.
Erik folds into the kiss again, head tilting and lips parted, a soft hum when he feels the squeeze of Charles's fingers on his leg. His hand slips down from Charles's hair, tracing the curve of his neck, fingers just barely dipping beneath the collar of his shirt, lingering for a moment there even as they break away.
His lips curl in amusement at that 'please', but he does as told without hesitation or even a trace of shyness. His sweater is far easier to get rid of, and he pulls it off and tosses it aside with little care, then reaches out to rest his hands over Charles's. A gentle tug, as he leans in to press a quick peck to the corner of his lips. ]
Let me.
[ He resumes where Charles stopped, undoing the remaining buttons, leaning in to plant a trail of kisses down Charles's neck, over the curve of his shoulder, following the path that his shirt takes while Erik's hands slowly guide the fabric down his arms. ]
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He supposes there is a world where they did all this proper and he asked Erik on a date first, but really, it's not them. They can do that later. Being so intense about each other has been them since day one, it's why they had to work so hard at keeping this from happening in the past. Any moment between them could have turned sexual. It feels natural, how this happened, natural enough that Charles is not second-guessing it.
He likes Erik's fingers on him, sliding into his hair, he wants them all over his bare skin. Charles may not be able to physically harden but his body is very sensitive and hasn't been touched or kissed in well over a decade. It will still make him feel good and wanted. His mouth practically waters when Erik takes off his shirt. All those perfect lines. Charles is eager to touch him so he lets Erik take over undoing his shirt so he can slide his fingers over his broad shoulders, running them down the front of his chest.]
God you're beautiful.
[ Erik will not have to wonder what Charles thinks of him physically. The block is off now, he is going to shower him with compliments. He tilts his head back to let Erik kiss his skin, it sends a shiver through him, and he briefly stops touching Erik to get the shirt off him. He's slender these days, skinnier than he ever was in the past, due to lack of care for himself then and frankly, here too.
Charles's hands are back on him in a minute, caressing over Erik's chest and down his torso, fingers undoing his belt in a very forward and suggestive way. Then Erik can feel Charles sliding into his mind, caressing across it in much the same way.]
Take off your pants. I'm done waiting to see you.
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Just because Charles might not feel his touch everywhere isn't going to stop Erik touching him. He's wanted too long, and he adores the sounds he makes, even the quietest breaths halting on his throat. He lets out a soft, appreciative hum of his own as Charles's hands move across his skin, teeth just barely dragging over the curve of a shoulder, then his mouth goes back up to Charles's jaw as his touch trails lower on his stomach, taking immediate hold of his belt. He would laugh if he weren't so incredibly turned on right now. Charles really is not wasting time here, is he?
Erik has never been shy about his looks, certainly not about his body, though there is admittedly something about exposing himself like this to Charles, of all people. He wouldn't call it embarrassment, though, far from it. Sitting back a little so he can do away with his trousers leaves him meeting Charles's gaze head on again, his eyes dragging slowly down his lithe frame. Not that Erik's especially built, mind, though the past few months of physical work have clearly made some difference.
Underwear goes with the trousers, since it hardly makes sense to waste time with that. Perhaps Charles won't be very surprised by how big he is, but he still watches because he does tend to get some... well, interesting reactions. He's already half hard from just the touching so far (and Charles's words have definitely helped), but it's clear that he can still grow bigger. ]
Let me take you to bed.
[ Just because they're approaching intimacy in a different sense doesn't mean they can't still be comfortable. Personally Erik would rather have Charles as close to him as physically possible. ]
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Erik does not have to be shy about his looks. To Charles he's always been the most handsome man he's ever met, a most obnoxious quality given how it ended up, but that's not for now. He was a temptation to Charles with several layers of clothes on, naked he would have been lost. He holds Erik's gaze when Erik intentionally looks at him and lets his eyes then travel over Erik's body in open admiration once it's freed.
He wets his lips with his tongue when he gets to finally look at him and damned if he isn't impressed. He isn't surprised but perhaps a little disappointed he won't be able to fully appreciate sitting on him like he used to imagine. But he'll take what he gets.]
It's a good thing for our self-control I never saw you, I would have made it ten minutes.
[ Maybe he should have though, maybe he was a damned fool. But there is no turning back the clock. Erik's his right now. The request for bed is something he understands, having their first time on the couch isn't ideal. The way it is framed makes him consider, but Charles's pride rears its head. He isn't in a mood to be carried right then, although perhaps another time, when he's less sensitive about it. He reaches out to pull Erik into a series of small but lingering kisses, tempted to stay there just to keep it, but he agrees with him.
Charles uses his arms to pull himself back to the side of the couch where his wheelchair is and he pushes off into it. Perhaps being carried would be more romantic, but he doesn't mind getting to the bed this way. And it is for the best he has it next to the bed for when he needs to get up later. He pushes up onto the bed easily enough and gets to look at Erik when he joins him; seeing him fully naked walking there is delightful for his eyes.]
That is impressive equipment you have, my dear, I'd like to get my mouth on it.
[ Erik will find that Charles is loquacious in all aspects.]
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He likes this, though. How Charles just leapt into this head first, for all the caution that he showed earlier in trusting Erik again, in letting him close. He's still not entirely sure that he's deserving of that trust, or of this place beside him, but if anything he's all the more committed now to prove to Charles (and more importantly, to himself) that he can be better. ]
Then that would have made two of us.
[ Erik would not have lasted five seconds if Charles had lunged himself at him the way he's doing now, honestly. So ten minutes actually sounds pretty damn impressive to Erik.
He did absolutely mean that he wanted to carry Charles to bed, but somehow it doesn't surprise him at all that he opts to use the chair to get himself there, his eyes rolling while Charles can't see it. Yes, while completely naked in the middle of the room. He feels like he's going to have many a disagreement with Charles's pride, but maybe this isn't the hill he wants to die on right now, and he doesn't want to ruin the mood that has settled between them, so he lets it go.
He waits until Charles has moved to the bed, making his way over, giving him ample time to look all he likes. He seems to like a lot, and Erik for one adores the heat that pools in his stomach from just feeling the weight of that gaze on him.
He can't help a surprised little sound at those words, however, a small smile as he ducks his head to the side for a moment. Shockingly, Charles manages to get just a hint of bashfulness from him. ]
Christ, Charles.
[ He climbs onto the bed, knee sunk into the mattress, shifting close enough to kiss him again. Lingering, but soft, and broken well before it even deepens. ]
I think we can arrange for that.
[ If it's what Charles wants, and he wouldn't be bringing it up if he didn't. Erik is not some fucking idiot, either. Not even in his wildest fantasies did Charles's mouth on his cock make it to the top of his list, but he sure as hell would love to have it there, so. ]
Now?
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He is stubborn about the carrying this time but he'll likely give in later on. His hangups aren't going to be gone that easily, which is why he hasn't taken his pants off and has no intention of doing so. He doesn't like looking down and seeing nothing in a general way, it bothers him, but to do that in this particular context will upset him. He already feels the lack and is choosing to focus on what they can have together instead.
Charles grins at him ear-to-ear after his blatant come-on and Erik looking bloody bashful about it. Adorable. He wouldn't say anything that he didn't mean and he reaches out to playfully gesture with his hands for Erik to come closer. Close enough to kiss, to trail his fingers over his shoulders.]
Yes, in a moment. Lie next to me on your side like this.
[ Like Charles said, he has some limitations that he's working around to what won't embarrass him or make things awkward. He moves onto his side and tugs Erik down with him. When Erik does as he says he snuggles in close to him, running fingers through his hair, caressing a hand along the long length of his back. He slips back into his mind and leans in to kiss him deeply, getting back into their hot and heavy embrace. He will move down eventually but for now he's letting them enjoy this.
His hand slides up Erik's chest and he brushes his fingers against his nipple, moaning into his mouth as for the first time he feels exactly as Erik does.]
God, yes, it works.
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He doesn't need much coaxing to get on the bed, climbing on and settling down beside Charles. His hand rests on a hip but soon moves up to his waist, fingers splayed out as he touches as much skin as he can reach. He delves into the kiss again, humming into his mouth, his other hand moving to Charles's neck, thumb tracing over his jaw.
He feels Charles's presence in his head again, though it's becoming more and more common, in the sense that it doesn't surprise him much when he slips in there as if he belongs. At this point, it certainly feels like he does. What is more surprising is the sound that leaves Charles when those fingers ghost across his nipple.
It works as a feedback loop; Charles feels his pleasure, and Erik in turn is all the more aroused by that reaction, the spill of heat in his mind coming from Charles, even just that moan making the hair on his nape stand on end, cock hardening from that alone. His hand on Charles's side squeezes harder, and he gasps quietly, the kiss barely breaking before he's pushing deeper into it. ]
That felt good. Touch me more.
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he's a monster erik beware
oops too bad he's in too deep already
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thanks for the patience I'm back from vacay!
welcome back!! ✨
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we can probably finally wrap on this one and do a new event one :D
nooo-- i mean yes, that sounds good!!