heavymetals | ( abraxas ) inbox

[ Julia let the people she's staying with know that she was going to be gone for a bit, but they'd seen her shrine, they understood her reasons. It's one thing to see the butterflies in her little makeshift shrine, but she thinks it's important she goes to the real one. Soon enough spring will truly be happening and Endrborrin may be everywhere, but it's not quite yet. She tells Erik where to meet her, with some recommendations to pack a few things, and off they go.

The wagon at least is comfortable enough, having been used to this trip back and forth, and Julia brought with her some playing cards. She usually is on her own or with natives so it's nice to have a companion with her, although she refuses to explain what is going on in case she's wrong. The wagon driver is nice and seems pleased to be taking Summoned, so it's overall an easy enough trip.

Technically she's fairly certain she can teleport her way there almost as fast, and Erik can fly, but it'd be exhausting and they may as well do the old-fashioned way for now.

She hops off the wagon and tugs his arm, heading directly toward Endrborrin's shrine. The second settlement has her biggest and 'official' one so it's where Julia has been pouring her power into it every month. She's been tending the flowers and keeping them alive, dotting around the shrine, sprung up from where they should be hibernating.

When they make it to the shrine not only are her flowers still blooming, a variety of bright colors made up of all the spring ones that exist in Solvunn, but there are unique butterflies floating all around them. It is not butterfly or spring season so them along with the cascade of colors marks it as special. Julia's smile is as bright as the flowers and she throws her hands up in the air as if to say see!!!! at Erik. ]

It's real!

[ Long trips hardly bother Erik, even if he can be an impatient man at times. Age has served him well in this instance, at least; that, and the fact that there's no real urgency to their journey. He is curious to see what she'll be showing him, especially when it will be his first time visiting the shrine, but it's not like they're working against the clock.

So, he enjoys the trip, the quiet and the comfort, the idle conversation they share and the occasional card game. He is rather good at those, and he even manages one or two basic card tricks. Not great tricks, but he's sure she'll find them amusing if nothing else.

Once they arrive, he settles with following her lead. Erik has visited the Tertiary Settlement more than the Secondary, so he's not especially familiar with this location. He takes in every detail he can as they get to the shrine, slowing to a halt when he steps inside and it feels like he's just walked past a portal and into an entirely different reality.

It has to be, he thinks; flowers blooming, butterflies fluttering all around, as if the season's hardships don't touch this place. Awe overtakes him for a moment, impossible to deny, until his eyes settle on Julia when she speaks. He smiles. ]

I never doubted it was. [ Although maybe this is as much a way to prove to herself that it's real, by sharing it with someone else. ] It's... impressive.

[ The Secondary Settlement is even more farmland than the primary, far as the eye can see, where it is the primary industry in this settlement. They sell everything to the others, so it makes sense that would be Endrborrin's main shrine, given her power with the harvest and spring. She's already seen the butterflies around her own shrine but it felt like where she needed to be actually impressive was at the official place. That is where she put the most work in to get Endrborrin's attention.

And here is the result. It looks magical. She can feel it in the air, the power and influence, and she can almost sense the approval. The butterflies flutter around them and Julia feels like she can actually breathe for the first time in awhile. All her effort wasn't for nothing. Her hopes, her work, it led somewhere. Maybe it won't be perfect or end perfectly, it's never clear with gods, but she still accomplished what she went for.

Julia reaches down to pluck a few of the flowers and twists it into a small bouquet just using her magic and the stems, carrying it over and offering it to Erik. If he takes it, he'll find that the butterflies go with the flowers, now flying around him. ]

I doubted, heavily, but thanks for the vote of confidence.

[ It reminds her of when she was excited, thinking they could reach Persephone, before it all went wrong. How it made her feel hopeful. Is that why this is familiar? Is it hopeful? The beauty of the shrine is unlikely to have been missed by the natives so she assumes she'll hear something, but not quite yet.

Julia puts a flower in her hair, behind her ear, and a butterfly lands on it, staying there, its wings slowing. She smiles at him. ]

I don't know what it actually means but it's something, isn't it?

[ Something about the way she acts in this place, the sheer delight and joy in finding her efforts to have succeeded, strikes at a deep ache in him, touches at a sore bruise of memories that aren't so distant in his past. To see her surrounded in butterflies makes it all the worse; the picture of his daughter with all her friends from the forest comes to the forefront of his mind, and Erik has to choke back the emotion that swells and threatens to spill out of him.

He takes the flowers almost without thinking, looking down at the vivid colors, and the little butterflies that flock to him easily. ]

Sometimes all we need is having someone to believe in us.

[ He manages eventually, his voice quiet, but at least level. There's a small smile as she tucks that flower behind her ear. ]

I think it means someone is listening to you.

[ Julia is overwhelmed by the beauty and the life in this place, in the dead of winter, and what it all means. It seems like such a perfect recognition of her genuine efforts and it could go somewhere terrible, but for now she'll hold onto feeling good about it. This could mean that Endrborrin will bless the crops as they go into spring more, in recognition of the efforts, and that means she made a sizable positive change for the settlement. ]

I think she is. And it's probably very stupid for me to believe in any god again, but ... I don't know, I could do so much good, if someone just shows me the way.

[ That is all Julia has wanted for a long time, what she prayed before, about Persephone giving her the chance, before it all went to hell. It is what Persephone used to pull her back in after forcing these powers in her, the promise of making something of her life. The gods forgot that they were supposed to help their worshippers. It's possible that isn't the case here.

She lost all ability to train from a goddess in her world. But she still has an opportunity to find one here. Endborrin may be it. She turns her attention to Erik, something striking a cord in her, and she steps toward him, reaching out to take his hand. ]

I believe in you too.

[ In the midst of Spring, it wouldn't carry the same weight. Erik understands this, even if neither nature nor gardening are part of his hobbies or skill set. What she's achieved here, whatever it may mean in the long run, is impressive. It further serves to prove the power of pure belief.

He doesn't quite feel like he fits into any of it. The shrine, the magic, the gods. It's not like Erik is a stranger to wanting to effect change, but doing good has rarely ever been on his mind. And magic, well, that's an entirely foreign concept to him. Belief is so distant, too. Even his faith is a fickle thing, something that he's lived without for so long, that even now as he tries to find his way back, it's a struggle.

He looks down as her hand takes his, and smiles, if a little distant. ]

Belief is never stupid, Julia. It's... a privilege, to find something you can hold onto like that. And the gods here aren't the same as in your world.

[ So maybe she can reach out to them more easily here, and find some sense of kinship that she wouldn't back home. ]

[ And this is what she's done while still learning about her powers. Julia hasn't always been able to do this, and if someone asked her a year ago, she would be surprised that her goddess leaning turned out to be floral. Who knows what she can achieve when she gets command of her power, when she can focus all of the unusual strength within her to the betterment of the world she lives in now. Maybe this is all just practice.

She wanted to share this with someone. She could have gone alone, as she's been doing while putting her life force into this earth. But she wanted it to be him. Julia may be in her head a little, but not so much that she can't sense a change in him. They've shared a closeness and she searches his eyes, quizzical. ]

Erik, what's wrong?

[ Julia keeps his hand and squeezes it, concerned. ]

[ Erik looks over at her, a little surprised by the question. He did stumble into a rather somber mood, didn't he? He hadn't even noticed that much until she's pointing it out now; or, well, at least hadn't realized it was that noticeable.

He returns the gesture, smiling reassuringly, and genuinely, at her. ]

Nothing's wrong, Julia. I promise you. This place just... reminded me of someone, for a moment.

[ Stepping closer, he rests his other hand on the side of her face, and leans in to press a kiss to her forehead. He usually tries to be mindful not to encroach too much on her personal space, so hopefully this is the kind of gesture she won't mind coming from him. ]

I'm glad you shared this with me.

[ If it was anyone other than Erik she might have shied away, but they've reached a level of trust where she allows it. She knows in her gut that he would never hurt her, so her instincts are softened by it. Julia even takes it a step further by putting her arms around him and stepping close, giving him a hug if he'll accept it. She doesn't know who it is he was reminded of, but it gave him some unexpected emotions, so it must have been meaningful. ]

You're the one I wanted to share it with.

[ Julia is not someone who bonds quickly, she was careful with people even before her life was ripped apart into pieces. That wasn't the only bad thing that ever happened to her. She's been damaged for a long time. Maybe their kinship comes from pain, but she wouldn't trade it. That's where magic comes from too. ]

I try not to push, but if you do need to talk, you can with me, you know that right?

[ He couldn't describe to her how much a comfort that hug is, right now. He may not be able to bring himself to talk about his daughter with her, at least not just yet, but he knows she can understand the pain in him, even one that's unspoken.

He returns the hug gladly, arms tight around her for a moment, then he pulls back with a small smile aimed at her. One hand on her arm and another on her hair, he nods at her. ]

I know. And I will, when I'm ready.

[ If he even feels ready. Either way, he knows she won't insist, and that in itself is a greater comfort than anything else. ]

[ She's so petite compared to him that she can just sink into his arms in the embrace, but she tries her best to be big enough to hug him back fully. They both could use the affection. He's the first person she's actively hugged since Quentin, too uncomfortable to allow people close. Trust can't be something forced, only earned. Julia smiles up at him, and the butterfly flutters around her head still, and around his hand while doing so.

He'll tell her when he's ready, she believes that. And if he never is, that's okay too.]

Come and sit with me.

[ Julia takes his hand from her hair and tugs on it, stepping over to one of the flowered areas that covers the ground beneath. He'll find when he sits it's like any other time sitting in a field of flowers, although she would be surprised if he's ever done that before. It smells sweet and the butterflies will land on him if he lets them. ]

I was thinking what I would do if I met her. I think I heard they do more feelings than words, so like ... preparing a feeling bomb sort of, to express what I need.

[ She puts her fingers into the ground and flowers start to bloom even farther away now. Soon this entire area will be made of color. Her skin is glowing at the moment, so at peace with this thing she made. ]

But I figure I have to keep proving myself to her. Take care of the settlement, make their harvests better.

[ It's not, in fact, an unfamiliar sensation to him. Luckily, he's not thinking of it now. It's the second time he sits out in nature with Julia, although this is a little different from the woods in the middle of the night. It's a different sort of nice. ]

Solvunn seems to be largely about helping one another, even among the locals. It stands to reason that gods would share in that sentiment.

[ After all, gods inspire people's actions, all the more so in a world where they are real and tangible, as is the case here.

Erik brushes a hand over some of the flowers, causing a few of the butterflies to float away. ]

I think you'll do very well. I'm no god, but I would certainly be impressed, if I were.

The gods used to be like that in my world, a long time before I was born. Eventually most of them stopped interacting with humanity, and I was hoping to change that, at least for me.

[ Julia was so excited about becoming a goddess, and the things she could accomplish with that power. Not in the start, when she realized where it came from, but as she did more with the seed and made it her own, she became hopeful. She probably couldn't fix everything but she could do something.

It's been difficult coming here and feeling like all of that slipped through her fingertips. That's probably why she's been resistant to Solvunn, until now, but she's starting to get in tune with the land, with the people. It could be Endrborrin started reacting to her because of that shift in her behavior, not only because of the flowers she bloomed. Her point of view has changed. Erik did part of that, whether he knew it or not.

She plays with the flowers at her feet, sitting cross-legged.]

After Reynard .... [ She hesitates before finally naming it, looking down. Erik probably already guessed, she talked around it before. ] Raped me and killed my friends, he believed he broke me. All I could see and feel was ugliness and pain. If I had his power during this time, I think I would have burned down the world just to feel something else.

[ There is a darkness in her that can't be purified. She will always have that darkness in her, the path that took her from that moment to actions she regretted. Julia doesn't know for certain she would have done harm with these powers, but she feels it in her gut. She wasn't being sane at the time.

The butterflies flutter around her, their little wings against her cheeks, and she smiles. Small, but there. ]

All he could do is destroy, but this is what I want, to create. To make lives better, not worse. So. [ She looks up at him, hesitant. ] I don't think he broke me. I think I'm healing.

Wouldn't be surprised if they chose to distance themselves.

[ Humanity hasn't necessarily become better, over time. In some things, maybe, but so much of it has become a matter of possession, power, entitlement. Then again, he could be wrong, and the gods in Julia's world withdrew for altogether different reasons.

Personally, Erik has never cared much. Belief in a god, any god, has never brought him any sense of peace. For a long time, he even distanced himself from the faith he grew up with, the memory of it all too painful to even want it anymore. He's opened up to more of it recently, but it's difficult. Less so with people who understand to some degree, but still.

When she says it openly, Erik shows no surprise; he had figured as much, from the way she'd said it. Still, it means something that she can bring herself to say it out loud. And as for what she might have done, had she had these powers then—

That, especially, rings so very close to his own experiences. Because that's what happened to him, in a sense. The access to his abilities led to immediate reaction, and his first instinct was always to destroy anything in his path. Whether it was the loss of his mother, the pain of torture, the death of his wife and child; each time, grief and pain exploded from him in incredibly destructive ways, and not just because he wanted revenge.

He wanted to feel something else.

He closes his eyes, just to stop the emotion from welling, spilling from him again. The ways in which they're similar and yet diverging into such different paths will never cease to catch him by surprise. Sometimes, when she talks, it's like he can imagine another way his life could have gone. ]

You're not broken, Julia. Believe me, of all the ways your life could have gone after something like that, you are— perfection.

[ It's not a word he uses often, or lightly. But he knows what it means to be broken, and she is nothing close. ]

[ Erik is someone who she knows who went through some of the ugliest possible trauma. That night they shared has stayed with her because she does see them as similar. Not the exact same, not with his upbringing or his longer life experience, but they're similar people. Prone to anger, pushing against injustice, survivors at the core, but able to share beautiful pieces of their hearts with people who earned them.

She knows she can talk to him about her darkness and what she thinks she would have done with this power before. Not everyone would hear the same story, not everyone would know all she went through. Julia wanted to cause the suffering of others, she thought at the time it would make her feel better. It's not rational, it's not humane.

She pales and shakes her head. The idea of her as the perfection of anything feels inherently wrong.]

No, gods, no. I'm so terrifyingly flawed, Erik. I burned down an entire sentient being forest for fun, I fed my best friend to Reynard to get closer to him, I've killed people and gotten them killed, and that was before I had this power.

[ Julia reaches out with her hand, palm up toward him, hoping he'll take it, because she's not upset at what she said, she just wants to stay close to him. And also because this is both of them, connected. Their moment. ]

I'm hoping ... we can remind each other of the best. Because you're my friend and I know you've gone through hell too, and our lives have kind of sucked, but we've gotten this far.

[ That all does sound pretty awful, the way she says it. And yet, it doesn't shock Erik much, nor does it seem to make him pause or change his mind. He just shrugs faintly, lips pursed. ]

Flawed things can still be perfect.

[ It sounds contradictory, he knows. But that's how he sees it.

He takes her hand when offered, smiling. His fingers squeeze gently, thumb brushing over her knuckles. It's a surer touch now, more familiar with her, more at ease in sharing these touches when he can sense they've grown closer. More than just friends— almost like family, in a sense of the word. ]

Life may have not been kind. But I'm sure we both have a few good memories we can hold onto.

Maybe they can be.

[ She's never thought of it like that. Perfectly flawed? That seems most likely to be true. Julia struggles a lot with self-worth so it's difficult to see herself as anything other than a series of mistakes these days. But she's working on it. It helps when she has him evening her out, and yes, a sense of family between them. With only bad family memories, he's probably the healthiest version of one she'd find. ]

Pretty much all of mine are of my best friend Quentin. I think one of the best we had was when we both went to Fillory for the first time. It was this world we always thought was in a book only, imaginary, a fantasy, so when we walked into it together, it was literally a dream come true. I'm positive a thousand years from now I'll still picture that and treasure it.

[ Fillory didn't turn out to be the dream they wanted at the end of the day, it was flawed like everyone else, but Julia sees that as precious. Their joy in that moment, the revelation, the certainty of their purpose and belonging. It would be very, very difficult to find a memory that embodies joy better than that for her. It's so strange to be this far from Quentin. Back home they did always know they'd find each other again. ]

What's a purely good memory for you?

[ Nothing is truly flawless, that's just a statement of fact to him. However minor, there is always something in everything, in everyone, but that doesn't mean one can't find perfection in them. Julia has her past, she's made her mistakes, just like everyone else. It doesn't taint his view of her, every time he learns of something new she's done. But it matters that she tries to do better, that she wants to be better. ]

This place, Fillory— I imagine that's a world of magic?

[ Since her life seems to be so closely tied to magic, it makes sense. Some kind of hidden alternate world. Maybe kind of like this one.

He's stunned again by the question, falling into silence. He has good memories, many of them recent, but they're tied to a traumatic loss that he's not yet ready to talk about. Wanda's the only one who even knows about some of it, and even she doesn't know all the details. So, he reaches for a memory that's far more distant, something safer to share, even if the pain still lives in his mind. ]

Hanukkah with my parents. Eating the sufganiyot my father prepared, my mother lighting the candles. That's a memory I thought lost for a very long time.

It is. Full of magic and magical creatures. It's beautiful. It's also the place where I burned down the trees, but they forgave me when I brought them back.

[ They did, too. They even voted Margo and Eliot back into the palace, the humans as royalty, partly because of her act in restoring what she destroyed. Julia felt the forgiveness from the trees, which was the biggest source of sadness for her. Apparently they're not grudge-holders. So despite the ups and downs of Fillory, it'll always be a place of good in her heart. They killed a god to keep it safe, and she'd do it again. His death is not something she regrets.

Julia waits for him to decide. She knows she might be prodding just a little, but it's his choice if and what he wants to share. She knows he's had so much pain in his life, perhaps happy memories are harder to find, but he must have them. She smiles when he does share one. The butterflies are starting to nestle into her hair, batting their wings, content. ]

Sufganiyot is so good. Do you still practice Judaism?

[ Erik can't help a faint smile, some vague amusement to it. ] Your world is a wonder to me.

[ Even if it has horrible things, of that he is sure. He knows, as a matter of fact. But knowing of fairies, and trees that can feel, of people who are capable of just bringing others to life— it's so much more than what Erik's seen in his lifetime.

She must have had some good memories, there. With her friends, or even on her own. He can imagine why some experiences may have tainted her perception, but he hopes it hasn't taken everything good away.

Sometimes, he wonders that's what's happened to him. That all the bad experiences he's been put through are slowly driving away what remains good in him. ]

I didn't, for a very long time. Decades, [ He admits. ] It's been... a rediscovery. I'm not sure I even remember all of the customs right. It's been forty years.

Fillory is strange and special. There's a reason it was so wonderfully weird that it inspired a book series in my world, where even though we knew it was impossible, a lot of kids like me still believed it was real.

[ Because it felt real. The books were taken from real adventures that happened and as fantastical as they were, that authenticity could be felt through the page. Plover turned out to be a monster, but the books were never his stories in the first place. Eventually Julia shoved Fillory out of her heart and mind, believing she had to focus on the real world and let go of the fantasy. She was so happy to be wrong in that regard.

She hasn't lost all of the light in her yet, but she would say the same of him. Otherwise they wouldn't be here now like this, surrounded with the light of unnatural flowers and butterflies. ]

Maybe it's like riding a bike, once you get started again.

[ Faith is no simple subject. She's only started to understand worship herself. ]

If you wanted to. No pressure.

( abraxas ) inbox

if it's okay to skip forward a little, we can do a way back if you want :)

it is all good!

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god i love them

they kill me on the regular

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reference to rape

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MY HEART

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Maybe we can wrap on this one!