heavymetals | ( abraxas ) inbox

[ She's so petite compared to him that she can just sink into his arms in the embrace, but she tries her best to be big enough to hug him back fully. They both could use the affection. He's the first person she's actively hugged since Quentin, too uncomfortable to allow people close. Trust can't be something forced, only earned. Julia smiles up at him, and the butterfly flutters around her head still, and around his hand while doing so.

He'll tell her when he's ready, she believes that. And if he never is, that's okay too.]

Come and sit with me.

[ Julia takes his hand from her hair and tugs on it, stepping over to one of the flowered areas that covers the ground beneath. He'll find when he sits it's like any other time sitting in a field of flowers, although she would be surprised if he's ever done that before. It smells sweet and the butterflies will land on him if he lets them. ]

I was thinking what I would do if I met her. I think I heard they do more feelings than words, so like ... preparing a feeling bomb sort of, to express what I need.

[ She puts her fingers into the ground and flowers start to bloom even farther away now. Soon this entire area will be made of color. Her skin is glowing at the moment, so at peace with this thing she made. ]

But I figure I have to keep proving myself to her. Take care of the settlement, make their harvests better.

[ It's not, in fact, an unfamiliar sensation to him. Luckily, he's not thinking of it now. It's the second time he sits out in nature with Julia, although this is a little different from the woods in the middle of the night. It's a different sort of nice. ]

Solvunn seems to be largely about helping one another, even among the locals. It stands to reason that gods would share in that sentiment.

[ After all, gods inspire people's actions, all the more so in a world where they are real and tangible, as is the case here.

Erik brushes a hand over some of the flowers, causing a few of the butterflies to float away. ]

I think you'll do very well. I'm no god, but I would certainly be impressed, if I were.

The gods used to be like that in my world, a long time before I was born. Eventually most of them stopped interacting with humanity, and I was hoping to change that, at least for me.

[ Julia was so excited about becoming a goddess, and the things she could accomplish with that power. Not in the start, when she realized where it came from, but as she did more with the seed and made it her own, she became hopeful. She probably couldn't fix everything but she could do something.

It's been difficult coming here and feeling like all of that slipped through her fingertips. That's probably why she's been resistant to Solvunn, until now, but she's starting to get in tune with the land, with the people. It could be Endrborrin started reacting to her because of that shift in her behavior, not only because of the flowers she bloomed. Her point of view has changed. Erik did part of that, whether he knew it or not.

She plays with the flowers at her feet, sitting cross-legged.]

After Reynard .... [ She hesitates before finally naming it, looking down. Erik probably already guessed, she talked around it before. ] Raped me and killed my friends, he believed he broke me. All I could see and feel was ugliness and pain. If I had his power during this time, I think I would have burned down the world just to feel something else.

[ There is a darkness in her that can't be purified. She will always have that darkness in her, the path that took her from that moment to actions she regretted. Julia doesn't know for certain she would have done harm with these powers, but she feels it in her gut. She wasn't being sane at the time.

The butterflies flutter around her, their little wings against her cheeks, and she smiles. Small, but there. ]

All he could do is destroy, but this is what I want, to create. To make lives better, not worse. So. [ She looks up at him, hesitant. ] I don't think he broke me. I think I'm healing.

Wouldn't be surprised if they chose to distance themselves.

[ Humanity hasn't necessarily become better, over time. In some things, maybe, but so much of it has become a matter of possession, power, entitlement. Then again, he could be wrong, and the gods in Julia's world withdrew for altogether different reasons.

Personally, Erik has never cared much. Belief in a god, any god, has never brought him any sense of peace. For a long time, he even distanced himself from the faith he grew up with, the memory of it all too painful to even want it anymore. He's opened up to more of it recently, but it's difficult. Less so with people who understand to some degree, but still.

When she says it openly, Erik shows no surprise; he had figured as much, from the way she'd said it. Still, it means something that she can bring herself to say it out loud. And as for what she might have done, had she had these powers then—

That, especially, rings so very close to his own experiences. Because that's what happened to him, in a sense. The access to his abilities led to immediate reaction, and his first instinct was always to destroy anything in his path. Whether it was the loss of his mother, the pain of torture, the death of his wife and child; each time, grief and pain exploded from him in incredibly destructive ways, and not just because he wanted revenge.

He wanted to feel something else.

He closes his eyes, just to stop the emotion from welling, spilling from him again. The ways in which they're similar and yet diverging into such different paths will never cease to catch him by surprise. Sometimes, when she talks, it's like he can imagine another way his life could have gone. ]

You're not broken, Julia. Believe me, of all the ways your life could have gone after something like that, you are— perfection.

[ It's not a word he uses often, or lightly. But he knows what it means to be broken, and she is nothing close. ]

[ Erik is someone who she knows who went through some of the ugliest possible trauma. That night they shared has stayed with her because she does see them as similar. Not the exact same, not with his upbringing or his longer life experience, but they're similar people. Prone to anger, pushing against injustice, survivors at the core, but able to share beautiful pieces of their hearts with people who earned them.

She knows she can talk to him about her darkness and what she thinks she would have done with this power before. Not everyone would hear the same story, not everyone would know all she went through. Julia wanted to cause the suffering of others, she thought at the time it would make her feel better. It's not rational, it's not humane.

She pales and shakes her head. The idea of her as the perfection of anything feels inherently wrong.]

No, gods, no. I'm so terrifyingly flawed, Erik. I burned down an entire sentient being forest for fun, I fed my best friend to Reynard to get closer to him, I've killed people and gotten them killed, and that was before I had this power.

[ Julia reaches out with her hand, palm up toward him, hoping he'll take it, because she's not upset at what she said, she just wants to stay close to him. And also because this is both of them, connected. Their moment. ]

I'm hoping ... we can remind each other of the best. Because you're my friend and I know you've gone through hell too, and our lives have kind of sucked, but we've gotten this far.

[ That all does sound pretty awful, the way she says it. And yet, it doesn't shock Erik much, nor does it seem to make him pause or change his mind. He just shrugs faintly, lips pursed. ]

Flawed things can still be perfect.

[ It sounds contradictory, he knows. But that's how he sees it.

He takes her hand when offered, smiling. His fingers squeeze gently, thumb brushing over her knuckles. It's a surer touch now, more familiar with her, more at ease in sharing these touches when he can sense they've grown closer. More than just friends— almost like family, in a sense of the word. ]

Life may have not been kind. But I'm sure we both have a few good memories we can hold onto.

Maybe they can be.

[ She's never thought of it like that. Perfectly flawed? That seems most likely to be true. Julia struggles a lot with self-worth so it's difficult to see herself as anything other than a series of mistakes these days. But she's working on it. It helps when she has him evening her out, and yes, a sense of family between them. With only bad family memories, he's probably the healthiest version of one she'd find. ]

Pretty much all of mine are of my best friend Quentin. I think one of the best we had was when we both went to Fillory for the first time. It was this world we always thought was in a book only, imaginary, a fantasy, so when we walked into it together, it was literally a dream come true. I'm positive a thousand years from now I'll still picture that and treasure it.

[ Fillory didn't turn out to be the dream they wanted at the end of the day, it was flawed like everyone else, but Julia sees that as precious. Their joy in that moment, the revelation, the certainty of their purpose and belonging. It would be very, very difficult to find a memory that embodies joy better than that for her. It's so strange to be this far from Quentin. Back home they did always know they'd find each other again. ]

What's a purely good memory for you?

[ Nothing is truly flawless, that's just a statement of fact to him. However minor, there is always something in everything, in everyone, but that doesn't mean one can't find perfection in them. Julia has her past, she's made her mistakes, just like everyone else. It doesn't taint his view of her, every time he learns of something new she's done. But it matters that she tries to do better, that she wants to be better. ]

This place, Fillory— I imagine that's a world of magic?

[ Since her life seems to be so closely tied to magic, it makes sense. Some kind of hidden alternate world. Maybe kind of like this one.

He's stunned again by the question, falling into silence. He has good memories, many of them recent, but they're tied to a traumatic loss that he's not yet ready to talk about. Wanda's the only one who even knows about some of it, and even she doesn't know all the details. So, he reaches for a memory that's far more distant, something safer to share, even if the pain still lives in his mind. ]

Hanukkah with my parents. Eating the sufganiyot my father prepared, my mother lighting the candles. That's a memory I thought lost for a very long time.

It is. Full of magic and magical creatures. It's beautiful. It's also the place where I burned down the trees, but they forgave me when I brought them back.

[ They did, too. They even voted Margo and Eliot back into the palace, the humans as royalty, partly because of her act in restoring what she destroyed. Julia felt the forgiveness from the trees, which was the biggest source of sadness for her. Apparently they're not grudge-holders. So despite the ups and downs of Fillory, it'll always be a place of good in her heart. They killed a god to keep it safe, and she'd do it again. His death is not something she regrets.

Julia waits for him to decide. She knows she might be prodding just a little, but it's his choice if and what he wants to share. She knows he's had so much pain in his life, perhaps happy memories are harder to find, but he must have them. She smiles when he does share one. The butterflies are starting to nestle into her hair, batting their wings, content. ]

Sufganiyot is so good. Do you still practice Judaism?

[ Erik can't help a faint smile, some vague amusement to it. ] Your world is a wonder to me.

[ Even if it has horrible things, of that he is sure. He knows, as a matter of fact. But knowing of fairies, and trees that can feel, of people who are capable of just bringing others to life— it's so much more than what Erik's seen in his lifetime.

She must have had some good memories, there. With her friends, or even on her own. He can imagine why some experiences may have tainted her perception, but he hopes it hasn't taken everything good away.

Sometimes, he wonders that's what's happened to him. That all the bad experiences he's been put through are slowly driving away what remains good in him. ]

I didn't, for a very long time. Decades, [ He admits. ] It's been... a rediscovery. I'm not sure I even remember all of the customs right. It's been forty years.

Fillory is strange and special. There's a reason it was so wonderfully weird that it inspired a book series in my world, where even though we knew it was impossible, a lot of kids like me still believed it was real.

[ Because it felt real. The books were taken from real adventures that happened and as fantastical as they were, that authenticity could be felt through the page. Plover turned out to be a monster, but the books were never his stories in the first place. Eventually Julia shoved Fillory out of her heart and mind, believing she had to focus on the real world and let go of the fantasy. She was so happy to be wrong in that regard.

She hasn't lost all of the light in her yet, but she would say the same of him. Otherwise they wouldn't be here now like this, surrounded with the light of unnatural flowers and butterflies. ]

Maybe it's like riding a bike, once you get started again.

[ Faith is no simple subject. She's only started to understand worship herself. ]

If you wanted to. No pressure.

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reference to rape

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MY HEART

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Maybe we can wrap on this one!