[ He is rather good at reading people. He's no telepath, granted, but even the slightest shifts in demeanor and facial expressions can be revealing, and he's always had a good sense to interpret those.
He also doesn't believe for a moment that she's fine. Still, his plan isn't to push, if she doesn't want to talk about it. He's ready to let go, when she decides to offer a little more about what bothers her.
Here's the thing: he may not know everything about her past. But he met Logan when he had only bone claws, and now here he has a skeleton covered in metal. That didn't happen by accident, and Erik is willing to bet that it wasn't by Logan's own choice either.
The dots are there for him to connect. ]
I understand that. [ He laces his hands together on top of the table, thoughtful. ] I wish I could tell you that won't happen, but evidently it might. We have no way of knowing. What I can tell you with certainty is that, no matter what might be done to you, nothing about you would be wrong.
[ He knows what she means, that she wouldn't feel like herself, as if a part of her was stolen by having her autonomy taken from her again. Truly, he understands that so much better than she might realize. But they exist, no matter what is done to them. They are, and Erik refuses to say there would be something wrong about them. ]
( He sounds so certain, he has so much conviction about it, Laura finds herself hard-pressed to argue. Her lips press together softly, her eyes dip down away from him and then trail off to the side as she considers it all.
She understands what he means. It just doesn't make her feel much better about the concept.
As nice as the thought of self-acceptance is, as nice as it is to know that he'd accept her, she's still not thrilled about the idea of something else dictating changes to her body.
Ultimately, she keeps these reservations to herself. Internalizes them, the way she internalizes everything — just habit. Just a product of never having the kind of dynamic with anyone where talking about what she feels has ever been relevant. )
Have you tested the limits of it? ( She asks instead, carefully redirecting the spotlight off of herself. ) Like, how far it spreads?
[ He's not dismissing her feelings on it at all. He deeply dislikes this happening to him too, in great part because it's a change that happened against his own will. Granted, it wasn't scientists and doctors poking at him, so it's slightly less traumatizing there, but that only helps so much in the grand scheme of things. But it doesn't make them wrong inherently.
So hopefully nothing like this will happen to her. Not that she couldn't survive it, but he'd just rather she was spared having to handle it. For him, the worst was the initial shock, especially with the memories with the mannequin haunting him. Now, he's coping a little better. Still a lot of questions, but he's working through it without panicking or letting his emotions get the better of him. (That's definitely an improvement when it comes to Erik.) ]
Not yet. [ He shakes his head. ] I was mostly trying to keep it under control. But I've realized the more I rely on my mutation, the further it spreads.
[ Maybe he should push his limits. Fuck the consequences, take a risk, something like that. ]
( She has concerns. Maybe she shouldn't; she likes him, she thinks he likes her as well or he wouldn't be getting lunch with her, but that doesn't necessarily make them close or anything. Maybe not even close enough to warrant the level of worry suddenly trilling away in her chest about this. Definitely not enough to put a voice to it. She's just...
Worried that pushing it too far could have unexpected consequences. What if it takes him over completely? What if it begins to linger, to stay, what if the change becomes permanent?
But then, it's like he said, he'd still be himself. He wouldn't be wrong. Just different.
It's not her place to say anything, and she's spared the need by a rather thick, no-nonsense woman coming over to take their order. A soda and an ungodly amount of noodles, too many noodles for any other teenage girl her size — but part of why she loves them is that they're cheap for the amount of calories they give. It's hard, keeping herself fed, keeping a roof over her own head. Scavenging for scrap to sell, walking dogs, doing everything she can to scrape by for money.
She's managing.
When the woman who takes their order wanders off again, Laura's fingers go back to playing with her straw. She can't say exactly why she feels compelled to tell him this, but it slips out anyway: )
I told Logan. About how we're related.
( Erik's one of the people that knew, that had promised to keep it to himself. At least now he knows he doesn't have to do that anymore. )
[ He can tell she's worried, even if she might not voice it. It's nice. Erik isn't particularly used to people caring enough to worry about him. And it's not as if Erik doesn't have his own concerns about this new change, mind, he's just not the type of man to let his fears stop him. (Or stop him from doing something stupid sometimes.)
His attention shifts as they're approached by the waitress, ordering a simple chicken noodle dish for himself. Leaning with his elbows on the table as she leaves again, his gaze on her thoughtful as Laura bring up Logan. His eyes linger on her forearms despite himself, and he nods. ]
That's good. [ Overall, he means. ] There's been too many secrets in our circle as it is.
[ Not that Erik's too closely involved for now, much as Charles would like to change that. ]
How did it go?
[ He knows just enough about Logan to imagine the man taking the whole thing rather poorly, and reacting accordingly. He still hopes that wasn't the case, solely for Laura's sake. ]
( She can't help but agree with the too many secrets thing. Keeping her own from Scott about Cable hasn't made her feel especially great, particularly when Scott's one of the people that kept her secret for her. The sooner it all comes out, the less guilty she'll feel.
The question earns a brief purse of her lips. The answer comes out dry, a little deadpan: )
Well, he chopped down a tree and took off, so.
( Not great.
Which is a blithe way to put something which had, in the moment, been especially painful to experience. Some time has passed, though, and things have calmed down since then — so she sways a little and concedes: )
He's not avoiding me anymore, so I guess he's kind of... ( Warmed up to the idea feels like the wrong way to put it, that implies any kind of real acceptance or positivity on Logan's part about the whole thing, and she's not entirely sure that's the case. ) ...less pissed off now? I don't think he hates me, anyway, so that's an improvement over back home.
[ Well. That's about the kind of response he would expect, even with how little he knows Logan. Chopping down a tree does seem a little more excessive, but taking off so he didn't have to deal with it in the moment, that tracks.
Erik can't fault him for the shock, honestly. Especially if he knew (or could guess) the details. It's not the kind of thing anyone would like to learn, and a man who's likely already seen his agency taken from him before, even less so. ]
I can't imagine why he would hate you.
[ Hate whoever did that to him, and to her? Sure, that he understands. Being bothered by the notion of her being his offspring, sure. But having any anger or hatred towards her just seems entirely unreasonable to Erik. None of it is her fault, she's as much a victim of it as Logan himself. ]
( In Logan's defense, it was a very small tree. Just for the record.
Her lips press together into a tight line; her eyes dip down to that straw still wrapped in paper, thumbing at the edge of the seam, worrying it soft. )
It's complicated. ( Or maybe it isn't. ) I showed up and made his life harder than it already was. I think I represented a lot of bad things about his history, to start with, and I wasn't... the easiest kid to get along with.
( Which is a mild way of saying she'd been half feral, stubborn, just as inclined to snarl back at him as often as he snarled at her. She didn't know how to be a child. )
But... I think what really cemented it is being the reason Charles died.
( Maybe that's a big thing to drop on Erik. It's a different universe, a different Charles, but still significant enough that maybe Logan's disdain is a little easier to understand. It's an oversimplification of events, but she thinks it's true, she blames herself for it. )
[ Oh alright then, that makes it so much less dramatic, of course. (Not that Erik can talk when it comes to being overly dramatic.)
Erik can understand the news of her existence being a shock, even if she was a child from a casual fling. Some people can react rather poorly even without all the complicated background. It's all the more understandable in this particular situation— but hate is such a strong word, and Erik just can't imagine why Logan would hate her, specifically. The situation, certainly— even more so the people responsible for the entire thing. But a child is hardly at fault for that.
He freezes at her next words though, stunned surprised leaving him speechless and motionless for a few good seconds. His lips part, eyebrows knit together, his mind trying to come up with a number of scenarios to explain what she's just told him. ]
How so?
[ Well, he's not mad (yet, at least), but there's a certain tension to those two single words, leaving her no room to hold back on details now. She can't just say something like that and expect him to let it go, naturally. ]
( She expected it. The tension. It's fair, and valid, and deserved — and if he gets angry at her, she'll understand that, too. Charles had been infinitely forgiving about the whole thing, but Charles is Charles. It's different. )
The people who killed him were the ones that made me. They were trying to reclaim their property. He was only there because him and Logan were trying to help me escape to Canada. If they'd have left me like Logan wanted to at first, it never would have happened.
( But Charles insisted, because of course he did. He refused to leave her behind, and it earned him a set of claws through the chest by a monster engineered to hate. Yes, he'd been nearly a hundred years old at the time already, but without her, maybe he'd have died peacefully in his sleep a few more years out. )
[ Well, she did just drop on him the fact that Charles was killed in her time. It's not like Erik expects any of them to live forever, to be fair, even the man he loves, but there's a world of difference between dying naturally or getting killed. (Then again, when would mutants ever have the luxury of dying of old age? That would be a true feat.)
It's the fact that she takes responsibility over that death that gets him. She must have been only a child then, he imagines. He can't see any way that she would have been to blame for it. He's hoping that whatever she says puts any concern of her guilt to rest— and when she elaborates, his eyes widen just so, and that tension bleeds from him in an instant, along with a sigh he breathes out. ]
Christ, Laura. [ He rubs his hand over his eyes. Just give him a moment, here. ] That's not your fault. None of what was done to you, or to the people around you, was your fault. And besides, you were not their property to begin with. People aren't things to be owned.
( The expression she answers him with is not a smile. It's a press of lips on lips, that tuck themselves gently into her cheeks, but there's nothing happy in it really. It's an acknowledgement — she hears you, she understands, she appreciates the sentiment... but she isn't actually convinced, her opinion hasn't changed. To her, the bottom line is the only reason Charles is dead is because of his proximity to her. If she'd never showed up at their little hide-away, it never would have happened. She'd bet money the Logan she knew would agree.
This one might not. This one here, now, in this city, is different. But the opinion of a dead man still holds more weight to her than she'd like to admit. He was supposed to be her father, after all, and the amount of baggage she's got associated with that concept could spend a decade getting unpacked in therapy. It won't, but it could. )
Either way, Logan seemed to believe it. I didn't have long enough to make a better impression on him before he died. I'm not actually sure I'm doing a much better job with this one, if I'm being completely honest.
[ To blame a literal child for the actions of the organization at fault for what was done to her is, quite simply put, irrational. She didn't put her claws through Charles herself, she didn't trick him into a trap. She was a child, running from a situation of abuse and torture. Erik would expect no less from Charles than to wish to protect her, and he would equally expect that from anyone who would claim to be one of his people.
If that led to the horrible outcome of Charles's death, of course there is certainly blame to assign, but not to her.
He can see that he's not going to convince her this easily, and he doesn't expect to either. He understands that guilt all too well. His gaze drops, lands on his linked hands on the table, a long breath before he looks her in the eye again. ]
You won't know this— I don't think anyone here does. But I'm the reason that Charles can't walk.
[ It's a topic that neither he nor Charles have even touched on, never spoke of again. Charles has mourned the loss of his legs but not once has he attacked Erik with accusations, and Erik himself has never had the courage to really bring it up. But the guilt is there, and the awareness that he's never going to find forgiveness for it, mostly because he knows he's never going to forgive himself. ]
I was deflecting a bullet, and it ended up hitting him in the back. It wasn't purposeful, but it was my actions directly that caused it. I know what it is truly to hurt someone you care about. Whatever happened to Charles, I'm sure there's no iteration of him that would blame you for it, and he wouldn't regret for a moment to sacrifice himself to protect you. I think maybe Logan was only angry and grieving, and didn't know where to direct those feelings. I don't know him very well, granted, but I can't imagine that he truly blamed or hated you for it.
( I'm the reason Charles can't walk; her eyes go wide, but her mouth stays shut. Listening, of course, is always her first impulse, but her mind immediately goes to the conversation she had with Charles all those months ago. The mention of a time when Erik dropped a stadium on him — maybe it's a natural conclusion to think the two things are related. He quickly corrects that assumption.
The words flow out of him so eloquently, they all make sense, they all sound good. Her eyes duck down to the paper straw she's been playing with, thumbs smoothing the rumpled white paper over again, considering what she's been told.
Eventually — )
I know you're probably right... it's just hard to feel that way sometimes. ( About both things. About her guilt over Charles, and her concerns about Logan. ) If I'm completely honest, I think I've been trying so hard to make sure he knows I don't need him, to make sure he doesn't feel... obligated, I'm leaving him with the impression that I don't want him around at all. I'm not really sure how to... get that right.
( She's also not sure why she's bringing it up now, other than that Erik has proven to be a consistent source of good advice since they met. She respects his opinions on things. He's smart. He's been kind to her. He feels reassuring to talk to. )
[ It's a reasonable leap to make, given that Charles has been fairly open about the incident with the stadium. The beach in Cuba, however, Erik doubts he's told anyone. He has a feeling he'd have been on the receiving end of far more anger from the group at large if that were the case.
He trusts Laura with this. More than he would trust any of the other mutants here. He knows that this knowledge would upset a great number of them, if not all. Not that it wouldn't bother her too, but not in the same way. She doesn't have the same bad memories of Magneto that the others do. ]
I understand that.
[ Words can be eloquent, sentiment can be meaningful, and Erik can tell her everything he believes and still remember how it took him years to no longer blame himself for his own mother's death. Sometimes he still does. If only he'd been stronger, if only he'd done better. It's easy to fall down that slippery path. ]
Sometimes where actions fail you, words are the best way to approach an issue. [ Logan isn't some enemy she needs to find a way to deal with. She wants to be closer to him— that much is evident to Erik. He also knows that's not going to happen without words. Genuine, heartfelt words. ] You should speak to him, Laura. Tell him the same you're telling me now. That you would like for him to have... some sort of meaningful presence in your life.
( The look on her face, subdued as it is, distinctly veers toward wry for a moment. )
Well when you put it like that, it almost makes sense.
( Almost makes her whole convoluted approach seem silly when it's cast against such a reasonable perspective. Still, the thought of just... sitting down and outright saying all of this to Logan is such a viscerally uncomfortable, daunting concept that her little smile doesn't linger for very long.
It's the what if of it all. It's the once bitten, twice shy of it all. It's a few formative memories at a very impressionable age, and if she were to take a few seconds to imagine saying any of this to the Logan she knew as a girl, she can only imagine herself getting raked over the coals and taken apart.
But this man isn't the Logan she knew. He deserves a chance to be his own version. He's earned that much.
She sighs, and sounds a little self-deprecating when she asks, mostly jokingly: )
[ He gives her a small smile at that. To him it makes perfect sense, but then of course he knows he's speaking from an outsider's perspective, and with reason in mind. Sometimes emotion trumps reason, and he also knows that well.
He can't even claim to know Logan enough to say one way or the other if he would react poorly to her broaching the subject like that. He only knows his own perspective. He's fond of Laura and he knows what his response would be; but he's not in Logan's position, and he doesn't have his temperament. His perspective is different for a number of reasons. He also doesn't want Laura to end up getting hurt in all of this, so he's not going to push, merely offer his advice when she asks it.
His smile dims just so at the question, but it's there nonetheless when he answers. ]
You'd have to ask someone else, I'm afraid.
[ His family wasn't complicated, not for the short while he had one. Who knows, maybe it would have gotten complicated, if only they'd had the time and chance for it. ]
I'm sure it'll be alright. [ A small reassurance, but the sentiment is genuine. ] And if it isn't, you have Charles. And me, of course.
( And me, of course — that earns a lingering look, and a soft, )
Yeah?
( Of course she knows she'll always have Charles, he's never left the question to linger in her mind for even a second. From the very first moment she arrived here he's been nothing but a reinforcing presence insisting on his support in all the best ways — but Charles is built different than most people.
Until now, she hasn't known for sure just how mutual her dynamic with Erik is. She likes him a lot, his advice and his support has meant a lot to her — but she's very used to her dynamics being one-sided.
It means a lot to hear. She should maybe say as much, but ultimately she just settles on: )
[ He figures that Charles's presence and support will be a given to her. Maybe Erik's not so much, but that's why he makes it a point to tell her, so that she knows without room for doubt. He's burned a lot of bridges in the past, and he understands why a number of people wouldn't trust his word for it, or believe that he'd be there for them. This is one connection he's managed not to fuck up, at least. When he tells Laura that she can rely on him, she believes him, and that honestly feels good. ]
Por nada.
[ He offers with a small smile, as their food is brought over and set down on the table between them. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He also doesn't believe for a moment that she's fine. Still, his plan isn't to push, if she doesn't want to talk about it. He's ready to let go, when she decides to offer a little more about what bothers her.
Here's the thing: he may not know everything about her past. But he met Logan when he had only bone claws, and now here he has a skeleton covered in metal. That didn't happen by accident, and Erik is willing to bet that it wasn't by Logan's own choice either.
The dots are there for him to connect. ]
I understand that. [ He laces his hands together on top of the table, thoughtful. ] I wish I could tell you that won't happen, but evidently it might. We have no way of knowing. What I can tell you with certainty is that, no matter what might be done to you, nothing about you would be wrong.
[ He knows what she means, that she wouldn't feel like herself, as if a part of her was stolen by having her autonomy taken from her again. Truly, he understands that so much better than she might realize. But they exist, no matter what is done to them. They are, and Erik refuses to say there would be something wrong about them. ]
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She understands what he means. It just doesn't make her feel much better about the concept.
As nice as the thought of self-acceptance is, as nice as it is to know that he'd accept her, she's still not thrilled about the idea of something else dictating changes to her body.
Ultimately, she keeps these reservations to herself. Internalizes them, the way she internalizes everything — just habit. Just a product of never having the kind of dynamic with anyone where talking about what she feels has ever been relevant. )
Have you tested the limits of it? ( She asks instead, carefully redirecting the spotlight off of herself. ) Like, how far it spreads?
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So hopefully nothing like this will happen to her. Not that she couldn't survive it, but he'd just rather she was spared having to handle it. For him, the worst was the initial shock, especially with the memories with the mannequin haunting him. Now, he's coping a little better. Still a lot of questions, but he's working through it without panicking or letting his emotions get the better of him. (That's definitely an improvement when it comes to Erik.) ]
Not yet. [ He shakes his head. ] I was mostly trying to keep it under control. But I've realized the more I rely on my mutation, the further it spreads.
[ Maybe he should push his limits. Fuck the consequences, take a risk, something like that. ]
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Worried that pushing it too far could have unexpected consequences. What if it takes him over completely? What if it begins to linger, to stay, what if the change becomes permanent?
But then, it's like he said, he'd still be himself. He wouldn't be wrong. Just different.
It's not her place to say anything, and she's spared the need by a rather thick, no-nonsense woman coming over to take their order. A soda and an ungodly amount of noodles, too many noodles for any other teenage girl her size — but part of why she loves them is that they're cheap for the amount of calories they give. It's hard, keeping herself fed, keeping a roof over her own head. Scavenging for scrap to sell, walking dogs, doing everything she can to scrape by for money.
She's managing.
When the woman who takes their order wanders off again, Laura's fingers go back to playing with her straw. She can't say exactly why she feels compelled to tell him this, but it slips out anyway: )
I told Logan. About how we're related.
( Erik's one of the people that knew, that had promised to keep it to himself. At least now he knows he doesn't have to do that anymore. )
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His attention shifts as they're approached by the waitress, ordering a simple chicken noodle dish for himself. Leaning with his elbows on the table as she leaves again, his gaze on her thoughtful as Laura bring up Logan. His eyes linger on her forearms despite himself, and he nods. ]
That's good. [ Overall, he means. ] There's been too many secrets in our circle as it is.
[ Not that Erik's too closely involved for now, much as Charles would like to change that. ]
How did it go?
[ He knows just enough about Logan to imagine the man taking the whole thing rather poorly, and reacting accordingly. He still hopes that wasn't the case, solely for Laura's sake. ]
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The question earns a brief purse of her lips. The answer comes out dry, a little deadpan: )
Well, he chopped down a tree and took off, so.
( Not great.
Which is a blithe way to put something which had, in the moment, been especially painful to experience. Some time has passed, though, and things have calmed down since then — so she sways a little and concedes: )
He's not avoiding me anymore, so I guess he's kind of... ( Warmed up to the idea feels like the wrong way to put it, that implies any kind of real acceptance or positivity on Logan's part about the whole thing, and she's not entirely sure that's the case. ) ...less pissed off now? I don't think he hates me, anyway, so that's an improvement over back home.
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Erik can't fault him for the shock, honestly. Especially if he knew (or could guess) the details. It's not the kind of thing anyone would like to learn, and a man who's likely already seen his agency taken from him before, even less so. ]
I can't imagine why he would hate you.
[ Hate whoever did that to him, and to her? Sure, that he understands. Being bothered by the notion of her being his offspring, sure. But having any anger or hatred towards her just seems entirely unreasonable to Erik. None of it is her fault, she's as much a victim of it as Logan himself. ]
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Her lips press together into a tight line; her eyes dip down to that straw still wrapped in paper, thumbing at the edge of the seam, worrying it soft. )
It's complicated. ( Or maybe it isn't. ) I showed up and made his life harder than it already was. I think I represented a lot of bad things about his history, to start with, and I wasn't... the easiest kid to get along with.
( Which is a mild way of saying she'd been half feral, stubborn, just as inclined to snarl back at him as often as he snarled at her. She didn't know how to be a child. )
But... I think what really cemented it is being the reason Charles died.
( Maybe that's a big thing to drop on Erik. It's a different universe, a different Charles, but still significant enough that maybe Logan's disdain is a little easier to understand. It's an oversimplification of events, but she thinks it's true, she blames herself for it. )
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Erik can understand the news of her existence being a shock, even if she was a child from a casual fling. Some people can react rather poorly even without all the complicated background. It's all the more understandable in this particular situation— but hate is such a strong word, and Erik just can't imagine why Logan would hate her, specifically. The situation, certainly— even more so the people responsible for the entire thing. But a child is hardly at fault for that.
He freezes at her next words though, stunned surprised leaving him speechless and motionless for a few good seconds. His lips part, eyebrows knit together, his mind trying to come up with a number of scenarios to explain what she's just told him. ]
How so?
[ Well, he's not mad (yet, at least), but there's a certain tension to those two single words, leaving her no room to hold back on details now. She can't just say something like that and expect him to let it go, naturally. ]
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The people who killed him were the ones that made me. They were trying to reclaim their property. He was only there because him and Logan were trying to help me escape to Canada. If they'd have left me like Logan wanted to at first, it never would have happened.
( But Charles insisted, because of course he did. He refused to leave her behind, and it earned him a set of claws through the chest by a monster engineered to hate. Yes, he'd been nearly a hundred years old at the time already, but without her, maybe he'd have died peacefully in his sleep a few more years out. )
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It's the fact that she takes responsibility over that death that gets him. She must have been only a child then, he imagines. He can't see any way that she would have been to blame for it. He's hoping that whatever she says puts any concern of her guilt to rest— and when she elaborates, his eyes widen just so, and that tension bleeds from him in an instant, along with a sigh he breathes out. ]
Christ, Laura. [ He rubs his hand over his eyes. Just give him a moment, here. ] That's not your fault. None of what was done to you, or to the people around you, was your fault. And besides, you were not their property to begin with. People aren't things to be owned.
no subject
This one might not. This one here, now, in this city, is different. But the opinion of a dead man still holds more weight to her than she'd like to admit. He was supposed to be her father, after all, and the amount of baggage she's got associated with that concept could spend a decade getting unpacked in therapy. It won't, but it could. )
Either way, Logan seemed to believe it. I didn't have long enough to make a better impression on him before he died. I'm not actually sure I'm doing a much better job with this one, if I'm being completely honest.
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[ To blame a literal child for the actions of the organization at fault for what was done to her is, quite simply put, irrational. She didn't put her claws through Charles herself, she didn't trick him into a trap. She was a child, running from a situation of abuse and torture. Erik would expect no less from Charles than to wish to protect her, and he would equally expect that from anyone who would claim to be one of his people.
If that led to the horrible outcome of Charles's death, of course there is certainly blame to assign, but not to her.
He can see that he's not going to convince her this easily, and he doesn't expect to either. He understands that guilt all too well. His gaze drops, lands on his linked hands on the table, a long breath before he looks her in the eye again. ]
You won't know this— I don't think anyone here does. But I'm the reason that Charles can't walk.
[ It's a topic that neither he nor Charles have even touched on, never spoke of again. Charles has mourned the loss of his legs but not once has he attacked Erik with accusations, and Erik himself has never had the courage to really bring it up. But the guilt is there, and the awareness that he's never going to find forgiveness for it, mostly because he knows he's never going to forgive himself. ]
I was deflecting a bullet, and it ended up hitting him in the back. It wasn't purposeful, but it was my actions directly that caused it. I know what it is truly to hurt someone you care about. Whatever happened to Charles, I'm sure there's no iteration of him that would blame you for it, and he wouldn't regret for a moment to sacrifice himself to protect you. I think maybe Logan was only angry and grieving, and didn't know where to direct those feelings. I don't know him very well, granted, but I can't imagine that he truly blamed or hated you for it.
no subject
The words flow out of him so eloquently, they all make sense, they all sound good. Her eyes duck down to the paper straw she's been playing with, thumbs smoothing the rumpled white paper over again, considering what she's been told.
Eventually — )
I know you're probably right... it's just hard to feel that way sometimes. ( About both things. About her guilt over Charles, and her concerns about Logan. ) If I'm completely honest, I think I've been trying so hard to make sure he knows I don't need him, to make sure he doesn't feel... obligated, I'm leaving him with the impression that I don't want him around at all. I'm not really sure how to... get that right.
( She's also not sure why she's bringing it up now, other than that Erik has proven to be a consistent source of good advice since they met. She respects his opinions on things. He's smart. He's been kind to her. He feels reassuring to talk to. )
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He trusts Laura with this. More than he would trust any of the other mutants here. He knows that this knowledge would upset a great number of them, if not all. Not that it wouldn't bother her too, but not in the same way. She doesn't have the same bad memories of Magneto that the others do. ]
I understand that.
[ Words can be eloquent, sentiment can be meaningful, and Erik can tell her everything he believes and still remember how it took him years to no longer blame himself for his own mother's death. Sometimes he still does. If only he'd been stronger, if only he'd done better. It's easy to fall down that slippery path. ]
Sometimes where actions fail you, words are the best way to approach an issue. [ Logan isn't some enemy she needs to find a way to deal with. She wants to be closer to him— that much is evident to Erik. He also knows that's not going to happen without words. Genuine, heartfelt words. ] You should speak to him, Laura. Tell him the same you're telling me now. That you would like for him to have... some sort of meaningful presence in your life.
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Well when you put it like that, it almost makes sense.
( Almost makes her whole convoluted approach seem silly when it's cast against such a reasonable perspective. Still, the thought of just... sitting down and outright saying all of this to Logan is such a viscerally uncomfortable, daunting concept that her little smile doesn't linger for very long.
It's the what if of it all. It's the once bitten, twice shy of it all. It's a few formative memories at a very impressionable age, and if she were to take a few seconds to imagine saying any of this to the Logan she knew as a girl, she can only imagine herself getting raked over the coals and taken apart.
But this man isn't the Logan she knew. He deserves a chance to be his own version. He's earned that much.
She sighs, and sounds a little self-deprecating when she asks, mostly jokingly: )
Are all families this complicated?
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[ He gives her a small smile at that. To him it makes perfect sense, but then of course he knows he's speaking from an outsider's perspective, and with reason in mind. Sometimes emotion trumps reason, and he also knows that well.
He can't even claim to know Logan enough to say one way or the other if he would react poorly to her broaching the subject like that. He only knows his own perspective. He's fond of Laura and he knows what his response would be; but he's not in Logan's position, and he doesn't have his temperament. His perspective is different for a number of reasons. He also doesn't want Laura to end up getting hurt in all of this, so he's not going to push, merely offer his advice when she asks it.
His smile dims just so at the question, but it's there nonetheless when he answers. ]
You'd have to ask someone else, I'm afraid.
[ His family wasn't complicated, not for the short while he had one. Who knows, maybe it would have gotten complicated, if only they'd had the time and chance for it. ]
I'm sure it'll be alright. [ A small reassurance, but the sentiment is genuine. ] And if it isn't, you have Charles. And me, of course.
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Yeah?
( Of course she knows she'll always have Charles, he's never left the question to linger in her mind for even a second. From the very first moment she arrived here he's been nothing but a reinforcing presence insisting on his support in all the best ways — but Charles is built different than most people.
Until now, she hasn't known for sure just how mutual her dynamic with Erik is. She likes him a lot, his advice and his support has meant a lot to her — but she's very used to her dynamics being one-sided.
It means a lot to hear. She should maybe say as much, but ultimately she just settles on: )
Thank you.
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Por nada.
[ He offers with a small smile, as their food is brought over and set down on the table between them. ]