( She expected it. The tension. It's fair, and valid, and deserved — and if he gets angry at her, she'll understand that, too. Charles had been infinitely forgiving about the whole thing, but Charles is Charles. It's different. )
The people who killed him were the ones that made me. They were trying to reclaim their property. He was only there because him and Logan were trying to help me escape to Canada. If they'd have left me like Logan wanted to at first, it never would have happened.
( But Charles insisted, because of course he did. He refused to leave her behind, and it earned him a set of claws through the chest by a monster engineered to hate. Yes, he'd been nearly a hundred years old at the time already, but without her, maybe he'd have died peacefully in his sleep a few more years out. )
[ Well, she did just drop on him the fact that Charles was killed in her time. It's not like Erik expects any of them to live forever, to be fair, even the man he loves, but there's a world of difference between dying naturally or getting killed. (Then again, when would mutants ever have the luxury of dying of old age? That would be a true feat.)
It's the fact that she takes responsibility over that death that gets him. She must have been only a child then, he imagines. He can't see any way that she would have been to blame for it. He's hoping that whatever she says puts any concern of her guilt to rest— and when she elaborates, his eyes widen just so, and that tension bleeds from him in an instant, along with a sigh he breathes out. ]
Christ, Laura. [ He rubs his hand over his eyes. Just give him a moment, here. ] That's not your fault. None of what was done to you, or to the people around you, was your fault. And besides, you were not their property to begin with. People aren't things to be owned.
( The expression she answers him with is not a smile. It's a press of lips on lips, that tuck themselves gently into her cheeks, but there's nothing happy in it really. It's an acknowledgement — she hears you, she understands, she appreciates the sentiment... but she isn't actually convinced, her opinion hasn't changed. To her, the bottom line is the only reason Charles is dead is because of his proximity to her. If she'd never showed up at their little hide-away, it never would have happened. She'd bet money the Logan she knew would agree.
This one might not. This one here, now, in this city, is different. But the opinion of a dead man still holds more weight to her than she'd like to admit. He was supposed to be her father, after all, and the amount of baggage she's got associated with that concept could spend a decade getting unpacked in therapy. It won't, but it could. )
Either way, Logan seemed to believe it. I didn't have long enough to make a better impression on him before he died. I'm not actually sure I'm doing a much better job with this one, if I'm being completely honest.
[ To blame a literal child for the actions of the organization at fault for what was done to her is, quite simply put, irrational. She didn't put her claws through Charles herself, she didn't trick him into a trap. She was a child, running from a situation of abuse and torture. Erik would expect no less from Charles than to wish to protect her, and he would equally expect that from anyone who would claim to be one of his people.
If that led to the horrible outcome of Charles's death, of course there is certainly blame to assign, but not to her.
He can see that he's not going to convince her this easily, and he doesn't expect to either. He understands that guilt all too well. His gaze drops, lands on his linked hands on the table, a long breath before he looks her in the eye again. ]
You won't know this— I don't think anyone here does. But I'm the reason that Charles can't walk.
[ It's a topic that neither he nor Charles have even touched on, never spoke of again. Charles has mourned the loss of his legs but not once has he attacked Erik with accusations, and Erik himself has never had the courage to really bring it up. But the guilt is there, and the awareness that he's never going to find forgiveness for it, mostly because he knows he's never going to forgive himself. ]
I was deflecting a bullet, and it ended up hitting him in the back. It wasn't purposeful, but it was my actions directly that caused it. I know what it is truly to hurt someone you care about. Whatever happened to Charles, I'm sure there's no iteration of him that would blame you for it, and he wouldn't regret for a moment to sacrifice himself to protect you. I think maybe Logan was only angry and grieving, and didn't know where to direct those feelings. I don't know him very well, granted, but I can't imagine that he truly blamed or hated you for it.
( I'm the reason Charles can't walk; her eyes go wide, but her mouth stays shut. Listening, of course, is always her first impulse, but her mind immediately goes to the conversation she had with Charles all those months ago. The mention of a time when Erik dropped a stadium on him — maybe it's a natural conclusion to think the two things are related. He quickly corrects that assumption.
The words flow out of him so eloquently, they all make sense, they all sound good. Her eyes duck down to the paper straw she's been playing with, thumbs smoothing the rumpled white paper over again, considering what she's been told.
Eventually — )
I know you're probably right... it's just hard to feel that way sometimes. ( About both things. About her guilt over Charles, and her concerns about Logan. ) If I'm completely honest, I think I've been trying so hard to make sure he knows I don't need him, to make sure he doesn't feel... obligated, I'm leaving him with the impression that I don't want him around at all. I'm not really sure how to... get that right.
( She's also not sure why she's bringing it up now, other than that Erik has proven to be a consistent source of good advice since they met. She respects his opinions on things. He's smart. He's been kind to her. He feels reassuring to talk to. )
[ It's a reasonable leap to make, given that Charles has been fairly open about the incident with the stadium. The beach in Cuba, however, Erik doubts he's told anyone. He has a feeling he'd have been on the receiving end of far more anger from the group at large if that were the case.
He trusts Laura with this. More than he would trust any of the other mutants here. He knows that this knowledge would upset a great number of them, if not all. Not that it wouldn't bother her too, but not in the same way. She doesn't have the same bad memories of Magneto that the others do. ]
I understand that.
[ Words can be eloquent, sentiment can be meaningful, and Erik can tell her everything he believes and still remember how it took him years to no longer blame himself for his own mother's death. Sometimes he still does. If only he'd been stronger, if only he'd done better. It's easy to fall down that slippery path. ]
Sometimes where actions fail you, words are the best way to approach an issue. [ Logan isn't some enemy she needs to find a way to deal with. She wants to be closer to him— that much is evident to Erik. He also knows that's not going to happen without words. Genuine, heartfelt words. ] You should speak to him, Laura. Tell him the same you're telling me now. That you would like for him to have... some sort of meaningful presence in your life.
( The look on her face, subdued as it is, distinctly veers toward wry for a moment. )
Well when you put it like that, it almost makes sense.
( Almost makes her whole convoluted approach seem silly when it's cast against such a reasonable perspective. Still, the thought of just... sitting down and outright saying all of this to Logan is such a viscerally uncomfortable, daunting concept that her little smile doesn't linger for very long.
It's the what if of it all. It's the once bitten, twice shy of it all. It's a few formative memories at a very impressionable age, and if she were to take a few seconds to imagine saying any of this to the Logan she knew as a girl, she can only imagine herself getting raked over the coals and taken apart.
But this man isn't the Logan she knew. He deserves a chance to be his own version. He's earned that much.
She sighs, and sounds a little self-deprecating when she asks, mostly jokingly: )
[ He gives her a small smile at that. To him it makes perfect sense, but then of course he knows he's speaking from an outsider's perspective, and with reason in mind. Sometimes emotion trumps reason, and he also knows that well.
He can't even claim to know Logan enough to say one way or the other if he would react poorly to her broaching the subject like that. He only knows his own perspective. He's fond of Laura and he knows what his response would be; but he's not in Logan's position, and he doesn't have his temperament. His perspective is different for a number of reasons. He also doesn't want Laura to end up getting hurt in all of this, so he's not going to push, merely offer his advice when she asks it.
His smile dims just so at the question, but it's there nonetheless when he answers. ]
You'd have to ask someone else, I'm afraid.
[ His family wasn't complicated, not for the short while he had one. Who knows, maybe it would have gotten complicated, if only they'd had the time and chance for it. ]
I'm sure it'll be alright. [ A small reassurance, but the sentiment is genuine. ] And if it isn't, you have Charles. And me, of course.
( And me, of course — that earns a lingering look, and a soft, )
Yeah?
( Of course she knows she'll always have Charles, he's never left the question to linger in her mind for even a second. From the very first moment she arrived here he's been nothing but a reinforcing presence insisting on his support in all the best ways — but Charles is built different than most people.
Until now, she hasn't known for sure just how mutual her dynamic with Erik is. She likes him a lot, his advice and his support has meant a lot to her — but she's very used to her dynamics being one-sided.
It means a lot to hear. She should maybe say as much, but ultimately she just settles on: )
[ He figures that Charles's presence and support will be a given to her. Maybe Erik's not so much, but that's why he makes it a point to tell her, so that she knows without room for doubt. He's burned a lot of bridges in the past, and he understands why a number of people wouldn't trust his word for it, or believe that he'd be there for them. This is one connection he's managed not to fuck up, at least. When he tells Laura that she can rely on him, she believes him, and that honestly feels good. ]
Por nada.
[ He offers with a small smile, as their food is brought over and set down on the table between them. ]
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The people who killed him were the ones that made me. They were trying to reclaim their property. He was only there because him and Logan were trying to help me escape to Canada. If they'd have left me like Logan wanted to at first, it never would have happened.
( But Charles insisted, because of course he did. He refused to leave her behind, and it earned him a set of claws through the chest by a monster engineered to hate. Yes, he'd been nearly a hundred years old at the time already, but without her, maybe he'd have died peacefully in his sleep a few more years out. )
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It's the fact that she takes responsibility over that death that gets him. She must have been only a child then, he imagines. He can't see any way that she would have been to blame for it. He's hoping that whatever she says puts any concern of her guilt to rest— and when she elaborates, his eyes widen just so, and that tension bleeds from him in an instant, along with a sigh he breathes out. ]
Christ, Laura. [ He rubs his hand over his eyes. Just give him a moment, here. ] That's not your fault. None of what was done to you, or to the people around you, was your fault. And besides, you were not their property to begin with. People aren't things to be owned.
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This one might not. This one here, now, in this city, is different. But the opinion of a dead man still holds more weight to her than she'd like to admit. He was supposed to be her father, after all, and the amount of baggage she's got associated with that concept could spend a decade getting unpacked in therapy. It won't, but it could. )
Either way, Logan seemed to believe it. I didn't have long enough to make a better impression on him before he died. I'm not actually sure I'm doing a much better job with this one, if I'm being completely honest.
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[ To blame a literal child for the actions of the organization at fault for what was done to her is, quite simply put, irrational. She didn't put her claws through Charles herself, she didn't trick him into a trap. She was a child, running from a situation of abuse and torture. Erik would expect no less from Charles than to wish to protect her, and he would equally expect that from anyone who would claim to be one of his people.
If that led to the horrible outcome of Charles's death, of course there is certainly blame to assign, but not to her.
He can see that he's not going to convince her this easily, and he doesn't expect to either. He understands that guilt all too well. His gaze drops, lands on his linked hands on the table, a long breath before he looks her in the eye again. ]
You won't know this— I don't think anyone here does. But I'm the reason that Charles can't walk.
[ It's a topic that neither he nor Charles have even touched on, never spoke of again. Charles has mourned the loss of his legs but not once has he attacked Erik with accusations, and Erik himself has never had the courage to really bring it up. But the guilt is there, and the awareness that he's never going to find forgiveness for it, mostly because he knows he's never going to forgive himself. ]
I was deflecting a bullet, and it ended up hitting him in the back. It wasn't purposeful, but it was my actions directly that caused it. I know what it is truly to hurt someone you care about. Whatever happened to Charles, I'm sure there's no iteration of him that would blame you for it, and he wouldn't regret for a moment to sacrifice himself to protect you. I think maybe Logan was only angry and grieving, and didn't know where to direct those feelings. I don't know him very well, granted, but I can't imagine that he truly blamed or hated you for it.
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The words flow out of him so eloquently, they all make sense, they all sound good. Her eyes duck down to the paper straw she's been playing with, thumbs smoothing the rumpled white paper over again, considering what she's been told.
Eventually — )
I know you're probably right... it's just hard to feel that way sometimes. ( About both things. About her guilt over Charles, and her concerns about Logan. ) If I'm completely honest, I think I've been trying so hard to make sure he knows I don't need him, to make sure he doesn't feel... obligated, I'm leaving him with the impression that I don't want him around at all. I'm not really sure how to... get that right.
( She's also not sure why she's bringing it up now, other than that Erik has proven to be a consistent source of good advice since they met. She respects his opinions on things. He's smart. He's been kind to her. He feels reassuring to talk to. )
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He trusts Laura with this. More than he would trust any of the other mutants here. He knows that this knowledge would upset a great number of them, if not all. Not that it wouldn't bother her too, but not in the same way. She doesn't have the same bad memories of Magneto that the others do. ]
I understand that.
[ Words can be eloquent, sentiment can be meaningful, and Erik can tell her everything he believes and still remember how it took him years to no longer blame himself for his own mother's death. Sometimes he still does. If only he'd been stronger, if only he'd done better. It's easy to fall down that slippery path. ]
Sometimes where actions fail you, words are the best way to approach an issue. [ Logan isn't some enemy she needs to find a way to deal with. She wants to be closer to him— that much is evident to Erik. He also knows that's not going to happen without words. Genuine, heartfelt words. ] You should speak to him, Laura. Tell him the same you're telling me now. That you would like for him to have... some sort of meaningful presence in your life.
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Well when you put it like that, it almost makes sense.
( Almost makes her whole convoluted approach seem silly when it's cast against such a reasonable perspective. Still, the thought of just... sitting down and outright saying all of this to Logan is such a viscerally uncomfortable, daunting concept that her little smile doesn't linger for very long.
It's the what if of it all. It's the once bitten, twice shy of it all. It's a few formative memories at a very impressionable age, and if she were to take a few seconds to imagine saying any of this to the Logan she knew as a girl, she can only imagine herself getting raked over the coals and taken apart.
But this man isn't the Logan she knew. He deserves a chance to be his own version. He's earned that much.
She sighs, and sounds a little self-deprecating when she asks, mostly jokingly: )
Are all families this complicated?
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[ He gives her a small smile at that. To him it makes perfect sense, but then of course he knows he's speaking from an outsider's perspective, and with reason in mind. Sometimes emotion trumps reason, and he also knows that well.
He can't even claim to know Logan enough to say one way or the other if he would react poorly to her broaching the subject like that. He only knows his own perspective. He's fond of Laura and he knows what his response would be; but he's not in Logan's position, and he doesn't have his temperament. His perspective is different for a number of reasons. He also doesn't want Laura to end up getting hurt in all of this, so he's not going to push, merely offer his advice when she asks it.
His smile dims just so at the question, but it's there nonetheless when he answers. ]
You'd have to ask someone else, I'm afraid.
[ His family wasn't complicated, not for the short while he had one. Who knows, maybe it would have gotten complicated, if only they'd had the time and chance for it. ]
I'm sure it'll be alright. [ A small reassurance, but the sentiment is genuine. ] And if it isn't, you have Charles. And me, of course.
no subject
Yeah?
( Of course she knows she'll always have Charles, he's never left the question to linger in her mind for even a second. From the very first moment she arrived here he's been nothing but a reinforcing presence insisting on his support in all the best ways — but Charles is built different than most people.
Until now, she hasn't known for sure just how mutual her dynamic with Erik is. She likes him a lot, his advice and his support has meant a lot to her — but she's very used to her dynamics being one-sided.
It means a lot to hear. She should maybe say as much, but ultimately she just settles on: )
Thank you.
no subject
Por nada.
[ He offers with a small smile, as their food is brought over and set down on the table between them. ]